Portion and Bloomers Control

Howdy Folks and Kin,
I tell y'all what, it's been a shockin' week, both on the internet and in my life, too! Decidin' on what to start writin' about to begin with is about as hard as decidin' which end of a beef jerky to chomp down on first! We got them USA soccer boys playin' in the FIFA World Cup, we still got them BP red coats what still don't got enough cups to git rid of that thar oil, and we got the media's drama cup runnin' over on account of a supposed photo of Miley Cyrus what was suggestin' she don't wear no bloomers!

Mean while, in all this what not, I'm on "portion control"! That's right! I got me some GERD and need to deal with it by eatin' smaller potions. That's like tellin' a hog he'll have to make due with only a dixie cup full of mud. I also am havin' to pay them BIG BUSINESS drug pushin' pharmaceutical folks for some pill therapy. So none of that sits especially with me. I'm down right ornery today.

Now, y'all know what GERD is don'tcha? It means Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. It took me awhile to learn how to say it, let alone spell it! Until then things were might confusin'. For instance, I called up my Jolene and the conversation went a somethin' like this:

Judd:
Hey Sweety Deety! Guess what, Dr. Ben Dover says I got me some Gastroeconomical Enterological Refluxation Disease!

Jolene:
Oh my, sugar! Is that on account of the economical regression?

Judd:
No darlin'. That's on account of I eat too much pizza n' ribs, maybe.

Jolene:
Judd? Did you catch that by havin' lunch with a banker or somethin'?

Judd:
No Jolene, it ain't got nothin' to do with no finances! That thar doctor told me a I gots to eat less and cut out them greasy foods.

Jolene:
Well Judd, that's good cause the price of them groceries at the Piggly Wiggly is on the rise and we don't need to be sendin' none of it to Greece anyway!

So as y'all can see, learnin' them right words is important. Here's another for instance from when I called Cousin Justin over at the Katywonkered Cafe':

Judd:
Hey cuz! Guess what? I got me some Gastronomical Enteritis Refill Disease.

Cousin Justin:
Really? Me, too. Every time I fill my pick-up up with some of that thar regular gas what cousin Jed gives me, what he siphoned off from cousin John, I get me the same problem. Say, you want the name of my mechanic? He used to work pits at NASCAR.

Judd:
No Justin. It ain't got nothin' to do with no cars. It's from usin' too much tabascey sauce, I reckon.

Cousin Justin:
No Jud, that ain't no good fer your engine none. You need to pick up some of that thar STP Power Booster. That thar is a fuel additive what will get the ya-ya's out of your engine real quick like. Tabasco sauce is fer your pizza.

So as y'all can see folks, gettin' the words straight surely makes a big difference! In fact, gettin' your facts straight helps, too! I reckon y'all heard about that thar flap about a photo of Miley Cyrus gettin' out of a car when she ain't got no bloomers on. Fer the life of me, I cannot understand why the media seems a fixated on fixin' to catch famous folks with their pants down. I do declare that it seems that thar's lots a folks what ain't got much of a life ... or what think that the rest of us don't got much of a life and want to see such what not.

Now, it's my understandin' that that thar picture in question wasn't even a fake! No photoshop, no pixelatin' or Gimpin' go on. By that I mean, that it showed that Miley (she's Hanna Montana!) did indeed her have bloomers on, after all!. I ain't seen the picture none, and I ain't too interested in seein' it, neither. If I wanna see some what not, well, I got me a girl friend fer that. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Now I believe, after all, that Miley Cyrus is a youngin' of good upbringin' what her daddy, Billy Ray Cyrus, taught her. I'm sure he told his youngin' to wear some bloomers when she goes out. But still, it got me thinkin'.... maybe as a society we have become too dependant on creatin' buffers between ourselves and the world around us. Maybe, just maybe, our over dependency on wearin' bloomers, boxers, drawers, long johns and thongs is a sign of an insecure culture. Maybe we need to let it all hang out from time to time, just to feel the wind blow and to remind us that we is all the same and we is all in this together.

Maybe that thar WWF or them United Nations should declare an international "No Drawers Day" just like we got them "No Car Days". Heck I even heard of a "No Pants Day"! Now, I ain't suggestin' we have both, "No Drawers Day" and "No Britches Day" on the same day, if ya'll know what I mean! We get enough of that come summer in some parts of the world.

So, will international "No Drawers Day" be the one day of celebration that ends up unitin' the world like that thar FIFA World Cup, what our Team USA is a gonna win? Maybe or maybe not, who knows? All I know is I got me some GERD and I have to go on portion control! So I'm not worryin' too much 'bout whether or not Miley Cyrus needs to air out her nether regions or not. That's her own business. I take care of mine and she can take care of hers.

But, I tell y'all what, if I catch any of them paparazin' photographers, what are 1 frame short of a roll, tryin' to catch me when I ain't got no drawers or britches on, they better have them some fast runnin' shoes cause I aim to run them off with nothin' but my eatin' stick! Maybe I should put up a sign what says: Beware: Man On Portion Control!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Fer all a y'all what might got you some GERD, I'm gonna do a special article in the future on what I have learned. Meanwhile here is some readin' I recommend!
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Bloomers, Blue Moons and Buddhist Philosophy

Howdy Folks & Kin,

It seems them Buddhist fellers were right when they said "all things are connected". Even that thar fiddle player and part-time astrophysicist, Albert Einstein, said that time and space are related. Only problem is, I hear lots a folks complainin' that they ain't got much time, or ever the time of day! So, I reckon we is runnin' out of space as well, just like them critters in the Amazon Rain Forests, or them swimmers what is runnin' out of clean tar-ball free beaches, thanks to that thar BP Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Now, speakin' of space travel, yesterday I was watchin' the launch of that thar SpaceX rocket, which them BIG BUSINESS and Military types expect will carry space cargo in the years to come, instead of them Space Shuttles. Them old space pickups are gettin' on in years and are set to retire. Now the truth is that SpaceX is a really a good thing fer the American economy. Heck, even them revenuers are over the moon about SpaceX, cause they ain't too happy with the prospects of losin' that that thar tax revenue to the European Space Agency (ESA), what launches them rockets over thar in France, the land what gave us heck us about our French Fries when we remaned them Freedom Fries. So, we sure don't want them French folk gettin' them hands on our Military satellites, especially on account of they is kin folk with them French Canadians what live just over the border. And we surely need to keep our eyes on them! See how them dots connect?

Now I bet y'all didn't know it, but ever since I was a youngin', I have loved space travel. Fer awhile, on account that I could jump real high and liked to shoot off them bottle rockets, some kin fancied that one day I might be the first Jugmonger to play the harmonica on the moon! Of course, later I found out that them astronauts had to know a thing or two about trigonometry. Now, I know lots about twigs and also gastronomy but them is completely different things! So the long short of it is, that I don't do no space travel, unless of course, I've had one nip too many! Know what I mean? I think you do! Some dots just don't connect.

But anyways, as I was talkin' about connections, did y'all know that that SpaceX was founded by Elon Musk, the man responsible for PayPal? Now, I use Paypal fer buyin' me some guitar accessories and wooden nickels on Ebay. Of course, Ebay just happens to own Paypal. So thar you go! SpaceX - Paypal - Ebay - Judd Jugmongers. So go ahead and connect them dots!

Now, I ain't no stock broker or banker, but I might think about buyin' some stock in them companies. And, when y'all git rich, don't ferget to come back to my blog here and do right by me by makin' a little donation usin' Paypal and the link I got set up over on the left sidebar of this here blog.

Alright, here is some more connections: now, the father of Bluegrass, Bill Monroe, sang "Blue Moon of Kentucky" and so did the King, Elvis Presley, and so did Patsy Cline! Ain't that somethin'? Also, them good folks over thar at "Blue Moon Brewing Company" got them some good beer what they suggest ya'll drink with an orange. Oranges are grown in Florida, where I hail from. So again, thar you go! Bluegrass-Bill Monroe -Elvis Presley - Beer - Oranges - Florida - Jugmongers. Heck with all them connections y'all would think I got it made! (I don't. I'm just a poor old hungry strugglin' artist ... did I mention that donation link I got over thar to the right?)

Ok, let's do one more dot to dot connections to bear out that thar Buddhist philosophy about connections and dot to dot and what not: Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton used to party hearty together. Now from what I hear, apparently all them youngin's got more holes in their bloomers than my boxers, which is one of the reasons I don't wear them none too often! And, apparently neither do they! Now, Paris Hilton's grandpappy was Conrad Hilton what founded them Hilton Hotels. Them Hilton Hotels used to run that thar Fountainbleau Hotel over yonder on Miami Beach, Florida. I once got run out of that thar hotel's lobby, cause I reckon they didn't take to my harmonica playin' none. So thar you go! Lindsay Lohan - Britney Spears - Paris Hilton - Hilton Hotels - the Fountainbleau Hotel - Miami Beach - Judd Jugmonger. BUTT, even though I got some connections to them youngin's what like to party hearty with no bloomers on - none of them never once called me! Not even once! (but really that's ok, can cause I still got me my swety deety, Jolene!)

To make matters worse, the Fountainblaeu Hotel was built on the former estate home of Harvey Firestone, the founder of Firestone Tire and Rubber. In all my drivin' days I used to buy them Firestone Tires! Despite our connections, them Firestones never did call me neither! I reckon, I'm just not that popular in some circles.

So folks, in the fabrics of space and time thar's lots to consider. The apparent randomness of events all play a part in the grand symphony of the universe. We is all brothers, sisters and kinfolk somehow what need to share this big ole Pale Blue Dot in the time space continuum. And finally, if they can put a man on the moon, you'd reckon that Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or even Britney Spears could give me a call!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger
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PS. Fer all y'all what like to read by philosophy and what not by moonshine, here are some books I recommend what might help ya out.