Cellphones: Dialing For Misinformation and Cauliflower Ear

Howdy Folks and Kin,

Along time ago in a place far, far away, we used to communicate with Dixie Cups connected with some string through a hole in their bottoms. Yes, them was simple times, but that thar method was safe, and even environmentally friendly cause on account of we could recycle them. That's right, we'd pop the bottom of them cups in our mouths, pour some beer in from the top and we'd have ourselves a bona-fide chug-a-lug contest. When we was through, we'd take them cups, throw in some soil and orange seeds, set them in the porch and wait for a tree to sprout. Today we got us cell phones what can pop corn and give us cauliflower ear. Y'all know what cauliflower ear is, dontcha? That's when your ears got so many wrinkles they can hold a seven day rain.

Now folks, fer the life of me, I can't understand why we as a people like to bite off more than we can chew when it comes to technology? It seems that most of the really good technology can kill us, at our convenience, if we ain't too careful. But see, most folks don't give a heck cause they all is in too much of a hurry to wait for a pot of water to boil what to make their Cream of Wheat in.

I reckon it ain't enough to just say hello across a bit of string, or even miles of wire anymore. We all got to "broadcast" ourselves now. I guess some folks like the idea that they can stand in one room, talk into their cell phone, and imagine that their voice goes up to the heavens, bounces around between a few satellites and finally comes back down to Earth in the next room. Ain't it a wonder that billions of dollars of government grants were spent on research and development of all that technology in, just so that Grandpa Jugmonger can broadcast to Grandma Jugmonger "where is my britches at, Junebug"? I reckon he thinks he's the next Arthur Godfrey or American Idol or somethin'. I don't know.

Now, accordin' to my learnin' I believe it was in 1895 that X-Rays were discovered by Wilhelm Röntgen over thar in Germany. Of course, he died of a carcinoma, but he is considered the father of what's called diagnostic radiology. In any hospital, you can find that thar department next to the department of Nuclear Medicine. And you can bet your mama's cornflower that they ain't usin' no Dixie Cups to communicate together with!

Are y'all beginnin' to git the picture? X-rays, microwaves, radio and television waves, and nuclear shock waves, oh my! I do declare! Heck we even got so much electrical appliances runnin' that we got what's called electrical fields all around. What all this means folks, is that every moment of every day, where ever it that we is ... we is slowly bein' cooked like a Thanksgivin' Turkey. It's no wonder them health experts, like Dr. Oz, keeps a tellin' us to eat more fiber! I reckon the more constituted we are, the slower we'll cook. And all them folks what got the runs so much, like cousin John, well, they're in a heap a trouble!

Meanwhile, the news this week brings us the results from some research from way across that thar big pond that ... well at least in the words of CNN, that there is "no evidence of increased risk of brain tumors associated with mobile phones, except in people who have the most exposure". I reckon that thar means that if you don't use a cell phone you might not get a brain tumor. Of course, that not what them researchers said exactly, because their salaries is bein' paid by the cell phone industry itself. So them researchers basically speak in a foreign tongue what only some legal folks with $600 suits can understand and that the rest of us can misunderstand.

Isn't that something? Ain't we heard this all before with them Tobacco folks some time ago? "Go ahead and smoke up Johnny, cause Mr."Chesterfield" and his "Camels" says that them Lucky Strikes is ok. They know cause they done themselves the research, paid for by that thar Marlboro Man, what proved with out a scientific doubt that "Smokin' Don't Cause No Cancers"... or even cauliflower ear.

Now yesterday, I backed into a doctor feller I know, Dr. Benjamin Dover (registered proctologist) is his name, and asked him his opinion on them cell phones. He said: "Judd, I can't tell you if they is safe to use, but I can tell you that I ain't sure they is safe". Now, Dr. Dover ain't usually one can short of a six-pack, but I think that says it all right thar. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Now, I don't usually like to go off all half cocked without some good information. But, it seems the information we all are gettin' these days makes about as much sense as a legally blind NASCAR driver. But just maybe, that's just what them BIG BUSINESS types and Revenuers want: to keep us dumb as dirt and feelin' like we've been caught between a hound dog and a fire hydrant. And once we start to wise up, they know how to addict us with chemicals and misinformation to keep that thar money gravy train a comin'. That thar misinformation might not make no sense to us, but it surely makes dollars to them commercial and revenuer types.

So folks, I'm gonna leave y'all with some good advice, especially for all y'all what like to glue your cell phones to your cauliflower ears: Eat plenty of fiber and always consider the source of your misinformation.

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Whenever I take a call from my sweety deety Jolene, I always use my "hands-free"!


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Here's some interestin' books fer all y'all what don't want cauliflower ear!