Saturday, July 3, 2010

How To Throw A Hurricane Party - Judd Jugmonger's Guide

Howdy folks and kin,

This past week, Hurricane Alex, the first hurricane of the 2010 hurricane season, washed ashore over yonder in Mexico just south of the Texas borderline. Now, I wish all those well what were effected by that thar storm, and my prayers are surely go with them. But, since lots a folks have been askin' me about a hurricane party, and what it is, I thought I might throw my 2 cents and a couple of wooden nickels into the pot and give y'all some ideas on makin' one. So here it goes:

First of all, y'all gotsta understand that thar are actually two kinds of hurricane parties. One is the fun kind, and the other is when y'all get together fer shelter, and to hold the roof down when the big one hits. Y'all can combine them, but it ain't a good idea to be three sheets to the wind, when that thar big wind blows. Y'all know what I mean? I think y'all do!

So let's deal with the first kind of hurricane party. Firstly, we oughtsta dispel the following myth: you don't need a hurricane to have a hurricane party. WRONG! If thar ain't no hurricane a comin', then it just ain't the same! When y'all know the forces of nature are bearin' down on all y'all's home and properties, everyone will be takin' their partyin' ways a might bit more seriously! You see, y'all need to have that rush what comes from feelin' that come tomorrow, you or your properties might be "gone with the wind"! Without a hurricane, y'all might as well just have a BBQ or a fish fry, or whatever it is that regularly gets your ya-yas out. Wait fer the right storm to come along, by listenin' to your weather radios fer them tropical weather reports.

Suggested Foods:

All right, mainly fer eatin', y'all needs lots of junk food and finger food. Now y'all know me, I like my eatin' on a stick, but during a hurricane them sticks can turn into mighty dangerous projectiles, so it' best to keep them in the cupboard.

Also, a hurricane party ain't the time fer puttin' on big spreads. It ain't like no football tail gate party! So, I suggest that y'all keep it simple. I don't recommend no chili or baked bean dishes on account of y'all might be in close quarters for more than a spell. I'd just say NO to the broccoli and cauliflower, too, fer the same reasons.

The followin' foods are good fer eatin' on account of that most folks will gobble them up quickly: Hush Puppies, Chicken McNuggets, Fish sticks, Onion rings, Pepper Rings, Freedom Fries, Egg rolls, Ham or Cheese Croquettes. When the party is over and y'all still got any leftovers, you can keep them out on the porch until after the storm. When they turn hard, well, then y'all got somethin' to throw at them FEMA folks when they come to inspect your home!

Y'all can make hard boiled eggs, too. But, if y'all are fixin' to throw them at anyone, remember the golden egg rule: Fer friends remove the shell, fer foe keep them on.

I wouldn't make any special dishes what need refrigeratin' (meats, poultry, fish, seafood and mayonnaisey salads) cause y'all might lose your power later and all them leftovers will start to stink like dead possum what got trapped under your outhouse. If that happens and you end up throwin' them leftovers over into your neighbor's yard, it will just bring out them stray dogs, cats, raccoons and possums, along with them crows and iguanas. They'll eventually come lookin' fer more over at your place.

If y'all have time, make some biscuits and lots of corn bread. That will fill your guests up so that they don't drink too much of your beer. Them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches make fer a good idea, too! Cut them into quarters and tell your guests they is a special kind of French hors d'oeurves. Put some parsely on top fer decoration.

As I mentioned, it's possible that y'all might lose power once that thar hurricane come ashore, so y'all will need to empty your fridges or iceboxes. Get a big pot and throw in everything y'all got. Boil up a hefty heapin' of rice and mix it into the pot. Mix all them ingredients well and serve. If anyone asks you what it is, just tell them it's Jambalaya.


Yes, y'all need drinks. Real drinks. Mixed Drinks! Y'all know the kind. That thar alcohol will help reduce the anxiety of knowin' your double wide might end up in some rich neighbor's pool when that storm makes landfall. Now I understand that thar are many folks what don't drink these days, and I can respect them folks what do. So, what I want to tell y'all is that it's still the neighborly thing to do to invite folks like them. Y'all can get and serve them some non-alcoholic beer or even some apple cider. That's fine, and it only means that thar's plenty more booze fer the rest of us. See how some things always work out fer the best?

Below is a good link to some mixed drinks what got rum in it. Rum is important fer the success of your hurricane party. Y'all want to look up them drinks like rum runners and hurricanes.

Accoutrements: (them other things you will need)

Rum - I'm partial to black rum myself. But all y'all urbanites can drink white, if ya want to.

Pepsi Cola - unless any of y'all are partial to Coke ... the drinkin' kind I mean!

Beer - the domesticated kind on account of it's cheap and y'all will need money fer bottled water later.

Chips - BBQ chips is best, but then again, y'all will need some Doritos and Cheetos, too!

Pretzels - fer the beer.

Beef Jerky - just because we is meat eatin' folks!

Guacamole - fer them Doritos. Do I have to explain everything to y'all?

Salsa & Cheese Dip - see above.

Other equipment:

Duct tape - to wrap up them beer cans up once the storm hits. Y'all don't want then empty cans flyin' around when the winds pick up. Buy an extra roll fer them worrisome worried folks (see below).

Hurricane Map - to put the beer on so y'all don't leave a ring on them wooden coffee tables (that thar was a tip from my sweety deety, Jolene!)

What to do with them nervous folks:

When a hurricane is a commin' thar are lots a folks what will be concerned about losin' their homes, businesses and personal properties. Well, duh, that's one of the reasons fer havin' a hurricane party in the first place! Also, it's to help all y'all relax, calm down and learn to be neighborly so that y'all can deal more effectively with the storm ahead and big cleanup what follows. Trust me, there will be lots of work ahead clearin' debris, baggin' them dead fish away and reclaimin' your outhouse from the neighbor's front porch. This year, thanks to them BP red coats, y'all might even have to clean up some oil from that thar oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, too! Here's a link to my advice on that matter:

Bein' nervous and prepared is a part of livin' in "Hurricane Alley". Still, thar are some folks, some worrisome worried folks, like cousin John, what has to take every opportunity to express their worrisome worries, just to get everyone else all riled up! That don't serve no purpose none, so the best thing to do is to cut a trip of duct tape about 5 inches long and stick it over them worrisome worried folks  mouths. Don't ferget a few wraps around their wrists, too. That should do the trick. If y'all put them out on the front or back porch, make sure to bring them in before the storm hits! Also, y'all need to make sure to get their beer, on account of they want be needin' it none, no more.

Well folks, that's it. If any of y'all are threatened with a hurricane this year, I wish you well and remind you to stay safe and ride that thar storm out with your friends and kin. If all y'all's hurricane party is a success, and everyone survives the storm, go ahead and become a patron of my arts and leave me a tip!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger


Here's some readin' I recommend fer all y'all worrisome worried types and hurricane party goers.
Organize for Disaster: Prepare Your Family and Your Home for Any Natural Or Unnatural DisasterTornadoes, Hurricanes, And Tsunamis: A Practical Survival Guide (The Library of Emergency Preparedness)Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies (For Dummies (Psychology & Self Help))Complete Idiot's Guide to Throwing a Great PartyInsurance Claim Secrets REVEALED!

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