Friday, May 28, 2010

Judd's Hurricane and Oil Cleanup Checklist

Howdy Folks and Kin,

Memorial Day is always a good time to fire up them BBQs and grill y'all some BBQ chicken. It's also a good time to get out and pass around a pigskin (don't grill it by accident!) and think about them NFL training camps what are gonna open up eventually. But meanwhile, Memorial Day is also a good time to get your ducks in row fer Hurricane Season, what starts on June 1st.

Accordin' to Cousin Judith and them weather folks over thar at the National Hurricane Center, we is due fer at least 23 named storms on account of the lack of that thar big wind "El Nino", what's gone fishin' this year, and believe me, not in that thar Gulf of Mexico! Now this year, many folks what live in Florida and them other Gulf coast states, got them some consternation what's threatenin' to cast an oily glum over this year's hurricane season. And, it don't take a rotor-rooter to know them Red Coats at BP is to blame!

Lots a folks and kin, like my sweety deety Jolene, have been askin' me "Judd, if a hurricane blows through in these parts, are we gonna get wonked with oil, too?" They also been askin' me questions like: "Judd, if some of that thar oil get's blown on my double wide or outhouse can I sue them British folks?"

I tell y'all what, them is good questions! Now, I ain't no $600 suit wearin' lawyer, so I can't tell you who to sue or even how to barrel up and use that thar oil what might get washed up or blown on your property. But, I am a native Floridian, so I know a thing or two about gettin' prepared for hurricane season and cleanin' up oil slicks in carports. So, what I can tell y'all is to do to do like them Boy Scouts do and "Be Prepared"! And, I aim to help y'all do just that with some of my advice, right here.

Here's what to do: once Memorial Day is over, y'all need to get in your pickups and head on over to the Walmart to stock up on your hurricane party and "what if" provisions. Walmart's good on account of y'all can git both hardware supplies and food fer eatin', too! Y'all need to take your pickups on account of this year y'all might need some extra room for plenty of bags of "kitty litter" fer the oil cleanup. Yes, I said kitty litter, y'all heard me right and will see why below. So hold onto your britches, cause I'm gonna break it all down fer y'all with my list of what y'all need to be prepared fer an oily hurricane season, and why:

General Hurricane "What If" Supplies
• Duct tape: Do I really need to explain this?
• Batteries: Fer them weather radios, flashlights and Mp3 players. You might also get a few extra fer that thar Pignose Practice Amplifier to play your Telecaster with.
• First Aid Supplies:Just in case you got an EMO youngin' what likes to cut themselves or some fool what's wants to go outside and feel the wind blow.
• Candles and Flashlights: Fer to find your way to the kitchen or bathroom. Fer to make sure you don't step on your hound dog, and fer to make certain you don't end up snugglin' with the wrong kinfolk.
• Matches, BBQ lighters: Fer lightin' them candles and firin' up them grills with.
• A Hurricane Map: Fer connectin' them dots. (see weather radio)
• Extra Toilet Paper: Extreme atmospheric conditions can give some folks the runs.
• Garbage Bags (45 Gallon): See above
• Rain gear and Swamp Boots: See above
• Some more duct tape: Cause y'all just can't have enough.
Important Equipment
Weather Radio: Fer them National Hurricane Center weather bulletins.
• Portable Radio / TV: Fer to hear / watch them meteorologists on when y'all git "the Weather Channel" withdrawal syndrome.
Weather Vane: Put it on your outhouse to see which way the wind is blowin'.
• A Pair of Pliers: Fer to crack open them window what's got broken handles or knobs. Important if y'all don't want y'alls roof to pop off durin' the storm!
• Walkie-Talkies: Fer them fools what got no sense and will be a wantin' to get out and give you a property damage report when the eye of the storm passes over.
Sterno or Gas Stove: How you gonna cook them grits come the mornin' after when y'all ain't got no electric!
• Coleman Gas Lanterns: Fer when y'all run out of candles and flashlight batteries and don't remember the layout of the trailer.
• Fire Extinguisher: See above.
• Ice Chest: Fer to keep you beer cold fer awhile (don't forget the ice!
Pignose Practice Amplifier: Fer what to play your Telecaster on, dummy! Don't forget them batteries, neither!
• Gas-Powered Generator: Just to piss off them nosy neighbors.
Recommended Hurricane Party Provisions
• Pork and Beans: Get your eatin' done! Protein is a must!
• Baked Beans: Fer them vegetarians and vegans.
Beano: See above
Beef Jerky: Do I really have to explain?
• Peanut Butter: How y'all gonna make a peanut butter and a 'nanner sandwich other wise? Don't for get the sliced bread and bananas, too!
Spam: Fer those folks with a low income.
• Pet Food: Fer those folks with a really low income and what done run out of food stamps.
• Fresh Drinkin' Water: To avoid ole' Montezuma from gittin' his revenge once the water pressure done dropped.
Alcohol: Not the rubbin' kind! If y'all don't got no moonshine, then I recommend at least some Black Rum, Jim Bean and Southern Comfort. I'd recommend Jack Daniel's too, but they just don't make it the same no more.
Fer Post Storm Oil Clean Up
• Kitty Litter and Scoop: Pour that thar kitty litter on them oil spots and tar balls, scoop 'em up and chuck 'em over the fence.
• One small flat stick: Fer to clean the kitty litter scooper with or to scratch your back.
• Net Fabric (tulle): Fer to make your own oil boom if y'all got a pond, pool or canal.
• Well fittin' gloves: Will prevent oil from endin' up on your guitar strings.
Duct tape: Fer to tape them gloves on.
• Industrial Grade Face Masks: So that y'all don't breath in the stench of that thar oil or them folks what drink their tap water before them revenuers say its ok to do so.
• Scrubbin' Brushes: Fer to scrub them oil stains off your walls. Hot soapy water will do y'all fine until ya'll paint over it. Don't try to light the oil on fire to burn it off, like they did in the Gulf of Mexico.
• Garbage Bags: Cause thar's only so much you can throw over in your neighbor's yard.
• Digital Camera: Fer to take photos of the oil damage with fer when y'all sue BP.

Also don't forget to keep some extra cash on hand fer after the storm and fer when them FEMA revenuers come around and want to mark your home fer demolition. I don't like to advocate violence none so keep your shotguns in them closets. Cash and even some Beef Jerky thrown into the pot might help them look the other way, especially if an oil rig gets blown onto your front porch ... or if you tried to burn off your walls some of that thar oil and dead fish what got stuck thar.

Ok, that thar is my suggestions fer what will get y'all started. Now thar's lots more y'all can get at the Walmart to be extra prepared come this oily hurricane season, and I reckon you'd be wise to do so. While your at it, you might want to talk to a banker or stock broker about buyin' some stock in Walmart or them companies what make kitty litter, too. Just a tip from me!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Here are some links to websites what will really help y'all with hurricane season.

- The National Hurricane Center. Get your weather alerts straight from the horse's mouth.

- The Sun Sentinel's Hurricane Info Page... not the Miami Herald's :(

- Federal Emergency Management Agency. They work fer them revenuers.

- This feller knows his stuff! Support him, if you can.

- This feller got some good info. Check out his links!

- If y'all got some boats, look here.

- The Old Farmer's Almanac. Fer when them fancy satelites got to pot.

- The Weather Channel. What to watch until your cable goes out.

Blogs: Some folks what are in the know and what like to tell foks so: - Gulf Coast Hurricane Tracker! Great info! - Weather Underground Blog - Bobbistorm is a friend of Cousin Judith's. - The Sun Sentinal's Hurricane Blog - Hurricane Hunters Blog

 Finally, fer those of you what also like to be in the know, here are some books I recommend:

 Organize for Disaster: Prepare Your Family and Your Home for Any Natural Or Unnatural DisasterHurricane Preparedness, Instructional Video, Show Me How VideosHow To Take Care Of Your Family When Disaster Strikes: Be Prepared!The Professional Bartender's Handbook: A Recipe for Every Drink Known - Including Tricks and Games to Impress Your GuestsThe Basics of Oil Spill Cleanup, Second EditionThe Old Farmer's Almanac 2011 Every Day Calendar

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