Friday, June 18, 2010

Portion and Bloomers Control

Howdy Folks and Kin,
I tell y'all what, it's been a shockin' week, both on the internet and in my life, too! Decidin' on what to start writin' about to begin with is about as hard as decidin' which end of a beef jerky to chomp down on first! We got them USA soccer boys playin' in the FIFA World Cup, we still got them BP red coats what still don't got enough cups to git rid of that thar oil, and we got the media's drama cup runnin' over on account of a supposed photo of Miley Cyrus what was suggestin' she don't wear no bloomers!

Mean while, in all this what not, I'm on "portion control"! That's right! I got me some GERD and need to deal with it by eatin' smaller potions. That's like tellin' a hog he'll have to make due with only a dixie cup full of mud. I also am havin' to pay them BIG BUSINESS drug pushin' pharmaceutical folks for some pill therapy. So none of that sits especially with me. I'm down right ornery today.

Now, y'all know what GERD is don'tcha? It means Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. It took me awhile to learn how to say it, let alone spell it! Until then things were might confusin'. For instance, I called up my Jolene and the conversation went a somethin' like this:

Hey Sweety Deety! Guess what, Dr. Ben Dover says I got me some Gastroeconomical Enterological Refluxation Disease!

Oh my, sugar! Is that on account of the economical regression?

No darlin'. That's on account of I eat too much pizza n' ribs, maybe.

Judd? Did you catch that by havin' lunch with a banker or somethin'?

No Jolene, it ain't got nothin' to do with no finances! That thar doctor told me a I gots to eat less and cut out them greasy foods.

Well Judd, that's good cause the price of them groceries at the Piggly Wiggly is on the rise and we don't need to be sendin' none of it to Greece anyway!

So as y'all can see, learnin' them right words is important. Here's another for instance from when I called Cousin Justin over at the Katywonkered Cafe':

Hey cuz! Guess what? I got me some Gastronomical Enteritis Refill Disease.

Cousin Justin:
Really? Me, too. Every time I fill my pick-up up with some of that thar regular gas what cousin Jed gives me, what he siphoned off from cousin John, I get me the same problem. Say, you want the name of my mechanic? He used to work pits at NASCAR.

No Justin. It ain't got nothin' to do with no cars. It's from usin' too much tabascey sauce, I reckon.

Cousin Justin:
No Jud, that ain't no good fer your engine none. You need to pick up some of that thar STP Power Booster. That thar is a fuel additive what will get the ya-ya's out of your engine real quick like. Tabasco sauce is fer your pizza.

So as y'all can see folks, gettin' the words straight surely makes a big difference! In fact, gettin' your facts straight helps, too! I reckon y'all heard about that thar flap about a photo of Miley Cyrus gettin' out of a car when she ain't got no bloomers on. Fer the life of me, I cannot understand why the media seems a fixated on fixin' to catch famous folks with their pants down. I do declare that it seems that thar's lots a folks what ain't got much of a life ... or what think that the rest of us don't got much of a life and want to see such what not.

Now, it's my understandin' that that thar picture in question wasn't even a fake! No photoshop, no pixelatin' or Gimpin' go on. By that I mean, that it showed that Miley (she's Hanna Montana!) did indeed her have bloomers on, after all!. I ain't seen the picture none, and I ain't too interested in seein' it, neither. If I wanna see some what not, well, I got me a girl friend fer that. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Now I believe, after all, that Miley Cyrus is a youngin' of good upbringin' what her daddy, Billy Ray Cyrus, taught her. I'm sure he told his youngin' to wear some bloomers when she goes out. But still, it got me thinkin'.... maybe as a society we have become too dependant on creatin' buffers between ourselves and the world around us. Maybe, just maybe, our over dependency on wearin' bloomers, boxers, drawers, long johns and thongs is a sign of an insecure culture. Maybe we need to let it all hang out from time to time, just to feel the wind blow and to remind us that we is all the same and we is all in this together.

Maybe that thar WWF or them United Nations should declare an international "No Drawers Day" just like we got them "No Car Days". Heck I even heard of a "No Pants Day"! Now, I ain't suggestin' we have both, "No Drawers Day" and "No Britches Day" on the same day, if ya'll know what I mean! We get enough of that come summer in some parts of the world.

So, will international "No Drawers Day" be the one day of celebration that ends up unitin' the world like that thar FIFA World Cup, what our Team USA is a gonna win? Maybe or maybe not, who knows? All I know is I got me some GERD and I have to go on portion control! So I'm not worryin' too much 'bout whether or not Miley Cyrus needs to air out her nether regions or not. That's her own business. I take care of mine and she can take care of hers.

But, I tell y'all what, if I catch any of them paparazin' photographers, what are 1 frame short of a roll, tryin' to catch me when I ain't got no drawers or britches on, they better have them some fast runnin' shoes cause I aim to run them off with nothin' but my eatin' stick! Maybe I should put up a sign what says: Beware: Man On Portion Control!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Fer all a y'all what might got you some GERD, I'm gonna do a special article in the future on what I have learned. Meanwhile here is some readin' I recommend!
Meal Measure - Manage Your Weight, One Portion At a TimeChronic Heartburn: Managing Acid Reflux and GERD Through Understanding, Diet and Lifestyle -- Includes More than 100 RecipesNo More Heartburn: Stop the Pain in 30 Days--Naturally! : The Safe, Effective Way to Prevent and Heal Chronic Gastrointestinal Disorders100 Q&A About Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease (GERD): A Lahey Clinic Guide (100 Questions & Answers about)Miles to Go

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