Saturday, May 8, 2010

Fat Fingers and the BM on Wall Steet

Howdy, folks and kin. I tell y''all what, this past week has been rougher than a corn cob. Now, a day or so ago, I was chewin' the bacon fat with my cousin Judith about the week's news and in "general lee" the economic regression and the media. Now I tell y'all what, cousin Judith is one smart biscuit, but sometimes she could start an argument in empty room. She also knows which ways the weather blows 'bout the government and what not, cause account of all them government papers she is always fillin' out fer her youngins. Now y'all know that, I can surely hold up my rear end up in an argument, even though sometimes I may say things what sound like I'm one fry short of a Happy Meal. Anyways, I thought I'd give y'all my thoughts and what I told cousin Judith, who by the ways say "Hey!" to y'all.

Now, lot's of y'all know about that thar Wall Street breakdown the other day, when the DOW began to fall and the bow began to break. The media jumped all over that thar story, and eventually it fell like 1000 points, before kickin' back up round about 600 points or so. They, that is NASDAQ, not NASCAR, say it was a technical problem and they is blamin' someone with fat fingers over thar at Citibank, or Citicorp, or whatever name it is them bankers is hidin' behind. They claim this hefty paper pusher messed up on a stock order, by pushin' a "B" fer billions of stock, instead of "M" fer millions. It happened maybe because this feller's fingers were so fat he went to punch that thar "B" key, but hit that thar "M" key instead. The result was someone laid a big "BM" on the stock market floor.

It seems that NASDAQ went ahead and cancelled like 60% of them stock transactions what they didn't like. I reckon they believe they've gots the rights to do so, cause playin' the stock market is sort of like gamblin'. They figured this incident was sorta like when them slot machines over thar in Las Vegas, or maybe Atlantic City, (but not in Miami Beach!) begin flashin' and blinkin' and tellin' you that you just won the Jackpot ... and then suddenly this little feller with a Canoli shows up holdin' hands with a bigger mean lookin' feller, what tells you "you ain't" won on account that that thar machine was broke ... and well, they just happen to ferget to stick a little note what says "Out Of Order" over the coin slot, you know like them little notes y'all see all the time at the Bowl-A Mat Laundromat.

Now, I thought I'd do me some investigative journalism on this here situation. Heck, all I had to do was look down at my keyboard. Of course, first I had to brush away some of them pizza crust crumbs, and spray on a little bit of Windex to loosen up some of that dried bacon grease to see them letters clearly. Eventually, I was able to see that you'd have to have pretty fat fingers to end up hittin' both the "B" and "M" keys together. You'd also end up with an "N" fer free! Maybe, Citibank or Citicorp must be hiring all them "girth challenged" folks what the army won't take anymore! I ain't sure. But, the point is though that somewhere over thar on Wall Street, someone's engine is runnin', but nobody is drivin'.

Maybe I'm confused, but I thought that was one of them golden rules of gamblin' was that if y'all snooze and make a bad bet, that's tough luck, and losin' your cash serves you right fer makin' such a dumb bet in the first place. But apparently that ain't so over thar on Wall Street, cause is they lookin' out fer their own, see? In the case of NASDAQ, the odds don't just favor the house, the house actually controls them!

Speakin' of control, it's my opinion, what I told cousin Judith, that our economy seems to be driven' by media tactics and fear. Y'all know how I can tell? Cause 50% of the spam e-mail I receive is about investin' in stocks what no one's heard of. The other 50%, best as I can tell, is about some guy named "ED" what's worryin' about my "what not" and uh ... whether I can still drive a "hard bargain" with the ladies. Know what I mean? I think you do, and apparently ole' "ED" gots some "Viagra" fer us all.

Anyway, maybe I'm one can short of 6-pack sometimes, but it makes sense to me that if them revenuers want to boost the dollar, all they got to do is whip them media folks up "Cool Whip" like over what's goin' on over thar in Europe with Greece and Euro. Looks like that thar Euro could use some of them "ED" emails, what I got.... maybe our Dollar, too.

Fer the DOW to fall almost a 1000 points, it would take more than just some tubby feller pushin' the wrong button. It takes fear and panic compliments of the media. I thought we was all done with them form of fear tactics, once Bush and Cheney got up and gone. But, I reckon old habits die hard fer some, right? What happened to all them real "journalists"? How come all we gots on the news these day is "commentators" preachin' to us all about this and that, instead? Thank you, but I don't need to be told what to think, cause I can think fer myself. Just give me the facts and let me git on with my life. I'm happy to thank the Lord, not FOX news and Glen Beck, for the good sense he gave me.

How about the rest of y'all? Ain't y'all tired of them media folks not given us the news, but feedin' us with "BM"s instead? Seriously folks, at the very least, if the government ain't in cahoots with them media folks, then it's all about gittin' viewer ratings for them TV news shows, which are produced by them entertainment companies, what also own them news agencies. And, they all know that the best way to git them some ratings is by tellin' us things to get us all riled up and nervous. And y'all want to know why it works every time? It's because we have all become a nation of "rubber neckers", that why. Y'all know what a rubbernecker is, dont'cha? It's them drivin' fools what stop on the highway and lean their heads out to take gander and goggle at every fender bender or piece a roadkill, they pass. Now, maybe some of them are just lookin' fer dinner, but still that ain't no excuse! Like I always say: excuses are like backsides; we all got 'em and they all stink just the same.

Now don't git me wrong, I ain't sayin' that them Wall Street suits or them revenuers laid a "BM" on the stock market on purpose. But if y'all don't believe that them "powers that be" have been gettin' the media to act as crazy as a run over hound dog over that thar situation in Greece to destabilize the Euro, then you is nuttier than squirrel squat.

What bothers me the most is that while the media was bangin' on the economic drum about Greece fer days on end, over thar in Music City, USA (that's Nashville, for all a you folks what can't carry tune in a bucket) them good folks were, and are still tryin', to keep their heads above them flood waters, and they sure could have used that thar media attention to get them some help. Now, I know that Anderson Cooper of CNN, bless his heart, eventually had the good sense to git on over their and set things right. But, let's face it folks, I think it's time we took back our airwaves and tell these media folks to stop manipulatin' us and the world economies, and get back to just given us the news plain and simple ... and maybe put some more Bluegrass music on the radio.

Bein' the kind of feller I am , I thought I would leave y'all a Stock Tip: Fer all a y'all what like to watch the stock market, keep in mind that all that really matters is how the market closes at the end of the day. During the day stock prices can jump from heaven and hell, but keep your eyes and fat fingers on them ending numbers. If the stock market closes with a 20% drop then it's surely the time to break out the Pepto-Bismol, cause the market has gone Pepto-Abysmal!

Now, lots of educated folk, and even cousin Judith, might look at me and ask, "Judd, did you take the short bus home from school when you was young?". To them I say, y'all can think what you want, but before y'all form your opinions about the news, consider the source of the evidence you seen. That means: take a good hard look at who is a holdin' that thar doggy biscuit up to your noses with one hand, and your collars with the other.

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger


If you ain't illiterate, you might be interested in these books. If you is illiterate, and someone is readin' this to you, I don't mean no offense, but some of these come in audio books, too!

Media Control, Second Edition: The Spectacular Achievements of Propaganda (Open Media)The Media Effect: How the News Influences Politics and GovernmentEconomics For DummiesInvesting Online For Dummies


Tennessee Government: or

Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) :

Middle Tennessee Red Cross:

a Facebook group for Nashville relief efforts:

"NashvilleFlood" on Twitter: responding to @-replies from people in need of trucks and supplies.

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