Howdy, folks and kin! This here is Judd Jugmonger. Now, I ain’t written in some time on account of I’ve been floatin’ ‘round like a loose barge in a hurricane on the Mississippi River. I is in Miami now, and I tell y’all what—even though them buildin’s is gettin' higher n' higher, that thar Magic City, where I was born, is goin’ to hell in a handbasket! Every time I come back here, it just gets worse n' worse, or as them Hispanish folk say, “Mi casa es tu caca.”
They gots homeless people over here, and more homeless people over there, and them city officials ain’t doin’ squat but gettin’ their pictures taken whenever they find a quarter on the ground. Of course, a big issue is the that thar climate change, but them developers and City of Miami Board of Commiserators (city officials on-the-take) are just grabbin’ money hand over fist to keep buildin’ them monstrosities before the bottom falls out—and I do mean that literarily! That's what Miami has become, nothin' but a MonstrosCity.
In another post, Imma gonna write about them tall buildings’ and such, whose ownin’ them and how everyone local and in the workforce is gittin’ priced outta this town. It's called gentrification which is different from them past geriatricification. Butt, today I’m gonna talk about them mass-transpit transportation issues.
In them interests of humanity, I startin’ goin’ on the Twitter to tweet me some humanitarian whatnot fer all y’all out there. You can follow me there at: @Jugmongers
On the Twitter, I’ve been sharin’ some comments on a Miami History Walking Tour I’ve been doin’ where I give some idears ‘bout the city’s history—the kind them rich folks hate cause they wasn’t in it, so they try to pay their way in. You how them is, all them folks like them Firestones, Rocketfellers, Bramahams, and all them highfallutin’ Miami Beach mayors what don’t do much but pick lint from between their toes on Fisher Island and stuff their faces at Roasters Toasters on 41st Street. True history oughtsta be preserved as it is and as everyone knows it. But, it seems, just like everythin' else in MIami, some folks wanna be revisin’ it. So, I aim to stick it in their face—and the history, too!
Another stop on my Historical Miami 🦎 Walkin' Tour! Some folks say in 1947, this UFO landed in #MiamiBeach. Some aliens, what looked like them bass fishies, got out and signed an arts treaty with President Truman. Yes, it was a trap. #FishFry #History https://t.co/x7I8VJBAYS pic.twitter.com/OCqvxcf6W2
— Judd Jugmonger (@Jugmongers) December 28, 2022
Once I got on them twitterverses, I seen lots of folks what we’re goin on ‘bout how dumb them Miami-Dade County Government is what is runnin’ the show poorly. Them commiserators and city manglers don’t know which end is up. They can’t even git them escalators runnin’ at the city’s Metromover stations and them elevators at the Metrorail stations. It’s a disaster on the “Oh, the humanity!” level—just like that thar Hindenberg airship disaster.
It ain’t metro mass transit; it’s metro mass transpit. And, that metrorail is just a metrosnail. Lots of folks are complainin’ cause these systems we paid for with our taxes—and still them county bunglers ain’t delivered somethin’ what is commensurate (!!!) for a city this size, and in 2023!
Some folks say what Miami’s got the 4th worst traffic in the country—in the whole dang country—and 9th in the world—in the whole dang climate-changed world! Can you imagine that? Henry Flagler is a probably rollin’ in his grave. Them Brickells would be, too, cept’ them’s relatives moved their bones outta town cause the city around their mausoleum in Brickell Park got so big and noisy, even the dead couldn’t rest no more!
Lately, them Metro-transit folks in Miami and Miami Beach, started talkin’ ‘bout buildin’ what’s called the Baylink Metromover train what will run from MIami Omni Station to Miami Beach. Omni was a mall that closed way back in 2000, so that just goes to show what a bad omen the whole idear is. Now, of course, them city officials is a day late and dollar short; this service was promised years ago and voted on! It’s just gonna be another boondoggle and mismanaged Metro-Snoozer service, if it even ever gets built.
Sure, fors lots of folks, this shiny new toy sounds like a nice idear in a steampunk-bladerunnin’ way. Butt, the truth is them Miami-Dade County transportation folks can’t even manage to fix all them metromover escalators and metrorail elevators! Us joyriders our bein' denied our cheap thrills and our 5¢ worth of taes, what we done already paid!
How in the name of all that’s holy rollers is the County a gonna manage somethin’ new? And, their idear, just like everythin' else in this town, is they want to start chargin’ again for a metromover service what’s already so broken down and mismangled. At least at present, it's free!
Now, lots of folks been moanin’ and groanin’ about them traffic jams on the 5th Street Causeway, which is Miami Beach speak fer the MacArthur Causeway. They is right on account of too many slothful folks is sittin’ in some high cotton and absolutely refusin’ to get their wide butts outta their cars. Them drivers have destroyed Miami and Miami Beach. They is so dumb that even if and you charge ‘em an arm and a leg for parkin’, their butts still won’t budge outta them's cars.
Also, as I mentioned before, them MIami-Dade County transportation officials is the most impcontinent mass-transpit agency. Miami’s gotta a long track record with its different Metro Transportation agencies havin’ corruption issues and bein’ one can short of a six-pack, in general-lee. Them folks can’t manage a dead possum on the Palmetto expressway. Butt, there’s some other issues, too, why we's gots all them traffic jams enroot to gettin’ over to the Beach. Here's what they is:
1. Slow-ass under-budgeted boondoggle construction in Miami right in front of them Omni bus station & the mouth of the MacArthur Causeway. It took them years to get started and every time they run outta money, they just put up lots of barricades, leave them supplies and heavy machinery in place, then go lookin fer cash. They been in the exact same spot fer months on end! And, they just tell some of them workers to stand ‘round and look like they doin’ somethin’, and then they use them fer staffin' at the them art shows and boat shows what is only fer rich folk.
2. Dumb-ass city planners and politicians, what are lookin’ fer payoffs, allowed them to build—in just about 2500 feet of land—museums, a crypto-broke-ass FTX Stadium and them Bayside Marketplace (for them dumb cruise tourists what don’t know they’s payin’ $26 for cocktails what should be $3, porter-outhouse steaks at a $150 a piece, and cheap trinkets what’re made in Indonesia and Malyasia. Also, y’all still gotta a statue of Christopher Columbus in Bayshore Park what they be hidin’ behind a truck on account he was a liar and a slave trader. Bayshore Park is destroyed. It ain’t a park no more. Just an on ramp fer Bayside and a place fer the local chickens to scratch 'round in the dirt, just like the rest of us lumpenproletariats!
3. Everyday on Miami Heat game days, at Crypto-Broke-Ass FTX Stadium, them off-duty cops come crawlin’ outta the woodwork to block traffic so they can scalp tickets and stand ‘round collectin’ overtime as security guard. And, everytime some limo pulls up they gotta block traffic fer miles, so them paparazzi flashers can get through to take pictures of broke-ass celebrity-has-been crypto traders.
4. On the MacArthur Causeway, we got accidents on account of rubberneckers a wantin' to look at them monster cruise ships, or look for them has-been celebretitties headed to Star Island, or to see them billionaires and Russian Oligarchs what are walkin’ ‘round incognito-like dressed as Miami Beach gigolos. They be drivin’ big-ass SUVs, like them Cadillac Ecapades. The poor ones drive them Maseratis and Teslas. And, every time there’s a fender-bender, everyone’s gotta slow down and stop to look fer roadkill—and there ain’t even no place for them accidentors and accidentees to pull over to let the traffic flow.
5. Them problems on Miami Beach is another story. Lots of traffic jams is caused by clueless tourists and rich WASPs wanderin’ ‘round lookin’ at Google Maps in the middle of the street, or standing in them streets lookin' fer escorts. You know how they is.
6. Of course, other traffic problems on Miami Beach is caused by them monstrous delivery trucks what're too large fer them old Miami Beach streets! They's commin' in fer Pubix Supermarkets, Wholesum Foods, and Slave-Trader Joes. It's 2023! Time fer some drones, folks!
Also, now we gots them trucks fer purveyors of polyester clothes like Target, TJ Maxx, Ross Dress fer Less, and Marshalls. One day, somone's gonna light a match and all of SoBe is just gonna up in smoke from all them plastic polyester and nylon clothes!
By the way, in case all y'all don't know who the Francis Xavier Suarez is, he is the golden-boy son of former Mayor Xavier Suarez, what was removed from office
on account of votin' fraud—though he himself probably never stole no votes nor a freight-train nor a metrorail train, just his people did.
Also, by the way again, in case all y’all don’t know who Arthur Godfrey, he was a wannabe Ed Sullivan broadcaster what did shows from, as he called it, “Miami Bitch.” He got older and sold them adult diapers on the air and so the large population of senior citizens in Miami Beach—those what were waitin’ there in God’s waiting room to pass on—unanusmously voted to name the street after him.
6. Also in Miami Beach, them traffic problems is on account of all them amateur and unemployed city planners and architects what graduated from the Florida International University (FIU: folks, it's nothin’ personal). That’s the university what’s like London cause their bridges fall down—and I don’t mean the ones in their mouths!
All them entitled-feelin' graduates think they is a gonna be the Mayor one day, so they is runnin’ ‘round them Miami Beach streets doin’ surveys so they can find some infartstructure, what ain’t broke, and what they wanna fix so they can get a plaque with them names on it. As I always say, folks: if and it ain't broke, don't fix it!
Not one of them gotta humane bone in their body. They don’t wanna build a homeless shelter, nor a food kitchen, nor a community center, nor anythin’ what will actually help people. Instead they want stick their names on vanity projects what they had nothin’ to do with buildin' in the first place. So, they be out lookin’ fer problems what don’t exist—like at the Lincoln Road pedestrian mall. All y’all, have to ask yourselves how a city college like FIU don’t teach their students nothin’ ‘bout community service. Even more, even the Miami-Dade Community College went and dropped the “Community” from its name! That thar in an nutshell is Miami—nothin' what has to do with buildin' community.
That’s what Miami Beach is full of these days, dumb-ass rich kids what went to the city college cause they too busy partyin' and sippin' $12 coffees, and so didn’t git into the University of Miami. But, still on account of their polyester-clad parents with foreign bank accounts, they gotta sense of entitlement and wanna be the Mayor so they can git free Starbucks.
Here's a little droppin' for y'all! This here is for a writer friend in need: "Tricksters, Crackers, and Gods." I is the one in the middle. Thank you. Thank you very much. https://t.co/x7I8VJB39k
— Judd Jugmonger (@Jugmongers) February 4, 2023
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