Sunday, January 29, 2012

Elephants And Pigskins

Howdy Folks & Kin!

On account of this here is a sort of a week-off for us NFL fans, I thought I'd pass along to y'all my thoughts on politics, being that this here is an election year. Lots of folks have written me askin' 'bout what I think 'bout them GOP candidates what are steppin' over each others' cracks tryin' to get in line to get walloped by President Obama come this November.

First of all y'all have to know that I ain't no tea-bagger and I ain't no republican. That's right. I'm a coffee drinker and I aim to stay that way. As of now, I'm plannin' on votin' for Obama on account he ain't gonna take away some of my kin's food stamps, like them republicans are a wantin' to do all the time to give them to their banker friends and Big Business lobbyists what don;t need none in the first place! That there makes me madder than a mule chewin' on bumblebees!

Ok, as of today, we got us the followin' sorry bunch of fellers: Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. Here's what I think 'bout then ne'er do wells.

Rick Santorum: I don't like that Rick Santorum none. It seems to me he's one of them bible-thumpin' corn-flake chewers. In fact, I ain't so sure, and don't go a quotin' me but I got an itchin' that Michelle Bachmann (what got her own campaign wrecked by a corndog) was really him in 'drag'. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Heck, I looked up that there feller's name on the internet, and what I came up with first on the Google was this:   Now, I don't know 'bout all y'all but no sir, I don't want me none of that stuff in the oval office!

Another problem I got with that there Rick Santorum is that he walks and talks like one of them bible thumpers. I reckon he ain't got no gumption in tellin' me that I is a heathen and am goin' to hell. Folks, who y'all vote for is your business, but I tell y'all what, I for one ain't gonna vote for no one what's gonna tell me to go to hell! I suggest y'all do the same!

Billy Romney
Mitt Romney: Ok, here we got us a Mormon. I reckon that's all what needs to be said 'bout that! Ok, I'm just joshin' a bit, but for many folsk that there is strike one. He's a rich feller, too, and most likely knows lots a of bankers, so that's strike two!

Strike 3? Well, I tell y'all what folks, I read somewhere what his real name is 'Billy' but he didn't like that name too much, so he asked his kindergarten teacher to call him "Mitt". I wouldn't vote for a candidate what gots issues with his own name! Would you? 

Newt Gingrich: I remember this cry-baby from back in them 80s ... or was it them 90s? Y'all remember back when Clinton was the president. This one likes to hoot n' holler and get his feathers all riled up and stuff. I also read that he likes spendin' time in zoos. 

Newt Gingrich / Jimmy Johnson
Now the truth is I think he's got him some fancy ideas about this that and whatnot, some of which may not be that bad. All in all though, he don't seem like a 'team' player which is what y'all got to be in Washington, especially if y'all want to get any real work done. It seems to me he's a wantin' to blow his horn a bit too much and in a way what's out of tune with what his party likes to hear.

I tell y'all what else: he reminds me of Jimmy Johnson what ditched our Fins way back when to go fishin'. Is that the kind of man y'all want to lead this country? I think not, and I am unanimous is my decision.

Mostly, I reckon he's just a cranky feller, and I wouldn't give my vote to no cranks! So that's all I have to say 'bout that. 

Ron Paul
Ron Paul: Here's a dodderin' old feller what's got some good ideas on the fixin' the economical regression. Other than that though, he ain't got a whole lot to say 'bout no nothin. He's one of them 'Libertarians' what think they know what our country's foundin' fathers had in mind when they wrote that there U.S. Constitution. 

I don't know, but that there Paul feller is older than Methuselah; maybe he was there in 1776, as I said, I don't know. What I do know is that regular folks don't seem to take a shine to him on account of he reminds them of their grand-pappys. So he's a like a snowball's chance of hell of winnin' the Pabst Blue Ribbon, so givin' him your vote is like throwin' a pumpkin pie down the outhouse hole.
Ok! Enough with politics! Let's talk us some football!

Superbowl Update: 

I still think them New England Patriots is a gonna beat them New York Giants into next season. Personally, I'm gonna root for them Giants and Eli Mannin' - but honestly folks, that's like rootin' for that there Ron Paul. Still, if them Giants can knock that there cheatin' Bill Belichick back to hell, that will be fine by me. Just don't bet the farm on it!

Miami Dolphins Update:

I sure am is excited by some of them coachin' fellers what are gettin' hired to lead our Fins to the Super Bowl! I sure am happy we're done with Dallas Cowboys' retreads and 'has beens'. Of course, general mangler Jeff Ireland is still yankin' some outhouse chains some ... but folks if he can land us a franchise QB sooner than yesterday, then I for one will be willing to shake the man's hand and let bygones be bygones. Time to move forward and kick us some butt.

I also know there's lots of defense talk 'bout changin' from the 3-4 to the 4-3 and uh 6 of one, half a dozen of them others. To me, it don't take mean much of hoo-ha what we do as long as our players know how to tackle, cover and strip that ball away from our opponents. This ain't rocket science, folks! It's how the game is one for all them 'elite' teams ... like we was way back when in them glory days.

A Pain In The Neck
As for our hunt for a franchise QB, I think them chips are still on the table. I ain't 100% sure 'bout Green Bay backup Matt Flynn. Of course, it would be great to see Peyton Manning suit as a Dolphin, but I just don't see him bein' the long term answer. Also, I know all about them pain in the necks on account of blowin' my harmonica too hard. I'm sorry to say that them sort of pains are not easily fixed. So what I'm sayin' folks is that I reckon Peyton Manning is a gonna need to hang his cleets up on the retirement line and get him a cushy job as a broadcaster. Sorry, hoss.

Matt Moore? Well, don't get all y'all's long-johns in a twist none, but I think he's someone to develop. I think he came on strong last season and done us all proud - and he did that without really gettin' a good off season under his belt on account of that blasted union lock out. Still, I got a feelin' that he ain't gonna pick up on Joe Philbin's new offense, too well. 

Needs to shine in practice
See, in practice and trainin' camps, he never really impressed them coaches enough to land him a startin' position. Maybe he's just more of 'let's get on the field and kick us some butt' type QB what don't like to learn playbooks and such. I don't know. What I do know is that head coach Joe Philbin is gonna make them players use them noggin's more off the field. I just don't think that's gonna sit well with Matt Moore. Now, I ain't sayin' he's one can short of a six-pack when it comes to brains - I'm just sayin' he needs to smarten up off the field and in practice - and show then new coaches what he's the best man for the job. If he ain't gonna compete, well then he oughsta find himself a seat on that there short bus what QB Chad Henne is gonna drive way from Joe Robbie Stadium, of whatever the heck it is it's called these day.

Draft day? Yes sir, lots of folks are surely and already goin' off 'bout them draft picks. I reckon y'all know that unless we trade up some, there's slim pickin's at QB. So don't be surprised none if we end up with another offensive lineman, That's what it is folks. 

Well, that's it for me! And now some words of wisdom, especially for them republican condiments: Ain't no one drowns by fallin' in the water. Y'all drown by stayin there!

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger

Here's some good readin' what I recommend!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Champions And Chumps: NFL Championship Games 2012

Howdy Folks and Kin,

Well, here we are, a few days away from them NFL championship games. I sure was surprised them Green Bay cheese-heads didn't fare too well none and had to say fare well in the end. Then again, they was feelin' poorly and all, and just didn't bring their best game. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. It's a cryin' shame, but on any given Sunday, that's just the way them 'green cheese' cookies crumble. Meanwhile, here are my thoughts on them upcomin' games and whatnot..

AFC Championship Game:

First we got us them QB Joe Flacco the wacko and his Baltimore Ravens goin' up against them New England Patriots and QB Tom Brady. Heck folks, there ain't no brainer here,Tom Brady is gonna wallop him some them Baltimore birdies. And it ain't just Tom Brady them birdies have to worry 'bout, it's that their cheatin' coach Bill Belichick. OK, I tell y'all what I don't like him none, but I surely do respect his strategizin' and game plannin'. Heck, y'all have to give him credit for knowing how to ride them other teams hard and putting them away wet ... even if he is a no count cheater.

Anyway, I'd be surprised if anything get in them Pat's way this weekend, and if and when they go though to the big game, I'm gonna root against. Heck, for all y'all what like to root or bet on them underdogs, which in case would be them Ravens, all I have to say is it's your money to lose.

So that's that. Go with them New England Patriots what will leave them Baltimore Ravens holdin' the wrong end of the eatin' stick.

NFC Championship Game:

Meanwhile, over there in the NFC championship game, we got us them New York Giants vs. them San Francisco 49ers. It's them Giant's QB Eli Manning vs. them 49er's QB Alex Smith. Sure, both teams got lots of other players and coaches, too, y'all know this here is a gonna be an air war to remember. At the end of the day, I say them 49er's are a gonna ride the short bus home from the stadium. The way I see it, them Giants receivers are just gonna run wild, and them Giants pass rush will have QB Alex Smith on his toes ... and if they catch him, then also maybe with his mouth full of dirt. Folks, I don't need to spin me my little pigskin none to prognosticate that them Giants will win the Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Ok, so that them is my picks for what teams get to go head to head in the Super Bowl: Them Patriots vs. them Giants. Now y'all know that I ain't much of a gambler, but I know some of y'all are. If y'all win some of that there green, well, don't forget about me, and do the right thing by leavin' yours truly a tip, and I don't mean a stock tip! Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

All right! Now that we got that bit of business over and done with, let get on with it on account of we got us some Fins talk to digest.

Dolphins Thoughts (no bull, no tuna):

Ok, well I guess y'all know that there's lots of comin' and goin's among them NFL coaches. Here in Miami, I'm expectin' an announcement any moment on who's a gonna take the reigns of my Miami Dolphins. It surely ain't gonna be no superstar coach walkin' down that there orange carpet as owner Steve Ross promised and couldn't deliver.

But folks and Fin fans, let's be honest, whoever the new coach is, we need to get on the bandwagon, support him, root for the home team, kick ass and ... uh, in general, Go Fins! At this point I'd just like to get those dog and pony show on the road!

Who do I think them Fins management will pick? Well, I'd say whoever can land us a franchise QB. Here's my prognostications for who's goin' to the QB prom and with whom ... this ain't rocket science, folks:

It's Joe Philbin (Green Bay) what will bring us star backup QB Mat Flynn or it's Mike McCoy (Bengals) what will bring us Tim Tebow. Personally, I suspect it's gonna be McCoy on account I think Steve Ross wants to see himself prancin' down that there orange carpet with Tim genuflectin' Tebow.

As for current interim head coach Todd Bowles, well I reckon he's gonna take over for Mike Nolan as our defensive coordinator - so he don't need to bring no one to the QB prom. I wouldn't be surprised though if some other sorry team, like Oakland, snaps him up as their new head coach. He's a good man and I think he'll do a fine job wherever here goes. But I just don't think he' gotta snow ball's chance in hell of gettin' the head coach job here.

I ain't gonna say much 'bout our Dolphin's general mangler Jeff Ireland, cept' maybe he oughtsta wipe some of that there whatnot from his nose. That's right, as the sayin' goes, "my cow done up and died last night so I don’t need none of your bull". time for him to skidaddle on out of here, and that's a fact. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Jugmonger News:

Not much to say here folks. Things here at the Katywonkered Cafe' are still slow on account of the economic regression. I've been workin' on some of the new songs we're gettin' set to put together for the new record. My darlin' Jolene came back from a visitin' her folks. Apparently, they got them some new fangled indoor plumbin' now and done dispensed with their double decker outhouse. Yes, they surely is sittin' in some pretty high cotton way over yonder in Gulf Breeze. As Bob Dylan sang, "y'all don't know need a weatherman to tell which the wind is blowin'" up there! 

I tell y'all what, I just don't know what this old world is comin' to. Talk about goin' to hell in a hand-basket ... just like them Indianapolis Colts. But that there is another story!

All the best,
- Judd


Hey, y'all! It's been reported that there cheese-head Joe Philbin will be the new Miami Dolphins' Head Coach! Glory Be! Can I pick'em or what?

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year Whatnots

- Not Me -
Howdy folks and kin,

Surprise! I'm back and it looks like I'm back for a new year, so I reckon that there's good! I hope all y'alls holidays were gastronomical. I know mine were on account of my britches are too tight again and I'm back to wearin' my suspenders 'in loo' of my belt ... which seems to have shrunk some. Also, can you spell GERD? I can.

I know I ain't been around much, and thanks to all y'all what sent me some emails sayin' "boy, where the heck you been?" Well, I'll tell you folks, I had to go off and do me some real thinkin' on what's important to me in life and to get me some good ideas on what to do to overcome this here economic repression we've been havin'. To  tell you the truth though, after doin' much thinkin' ans scratchin' my noggin' I still ain't got no answer!

Still, as much as I love writin' and talkin' and goin' on 'bout this that and whatnot, the truth is I ain't got a pot a piss in ... and so I had to get me a real job! My food ran out and I was so hungry and I was fartin' cobwebs! That's right!

- Not Me -
The only thing is that good jobs these days are scarcer than hen's teeth! I asked around some over at the Jobline, and I got some lines on some occupational hazards. Of the slim pickin's what were out there, here are some job offers what I turned down:
  • Short bus driver for them New York Jets: - pretty boy QB Mark Sanchez got the job.
  • Grand Marshall for the King Orange Jamboree Parade: y'all seen the Orange Bowl lately? I ain't.
  • Turd wrangler for FPL's Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant: I may be wrong but I just don't think that atomic energy and outhouses mix well.
  • Porn star: - I didn't mind droppin' my pants none, but them folks wanted me to take my socks off!
  • Speech writer for Michelle Bachmann: - I'm a coffee drinkin' man,  and writin' gaffes ain't my cup of tea. Anyway, I think Sarah Palin's a lot hotter to look at, if y'all ask me, which of course, y'all didn't.
  • Rebar inspector for that there new Marlin's baseball stadium: - my Spanish ain't so good and I ain't partial to wearin' no blindfolds none.
Truth is there just ain't much call for an NFL prognosticator, songwriter, philosophisor or BBQ taster in these parts. So I ended up havin' to compromise my artistic endeavors and set out on my own, takin' a job as a busker ... incognito, of course. Even my 'sweety deety' Jolene, what went to stay by her folks for a spell, was a wonderin' where I was at ... on account of our snooty neighbor, Wayne King, called her folks complainin' 'bout the smell of our outhouse.

- Not Me -
Now before y'all ask, no, I didn't do no panhandlin' 'Naked Cowboy' deal, especially as my britches ain't much to look at. But I did do me some acoustic chicken pickin' and sang me the blues some. Some threw some pennies and some threw some dimes. One woman threw me her bloomers, but I suspect from their contents, she was just done a usin' them. I doubt it was a commentary on my singin' voice none.

For a spell I even fancied myself a freight train hobo like Woody Guthrie. I went lookin' for the old FEC Princeton train station near West Dixie, before someone was kind enough to tell me they done moved it around some and then tore up them FEC tracks! He was kind enough to give me ride over to A.D. Barnes Park, but I didn't see too much happenin' there neither. Eventually, some Tom Fool Julio came over and asked me if I was a waitin' on 'the Ludlum Trail' or what. I done figured out the rest, myself. Thankfully, the CSX belt-line is a still runnin', though trust me, limestone ain't as comfortable as anything Amtrak has to offer.

- Not Me -
Anyway, buskin' surely was a humblin' experience. It was one what gave me some new stories to tell and some new ideas for songs to write. So, y'all hang onto your wig hats on account of there's gonna be some new Jugmonger's music comin' down the musical pipeline this year ... just as soon as I can get my harmonicas out of hock.

Ok, my goals for the New Year? Well, I reckon I'd like to get back to doin' some song writin' and performin' with my Hootenanny band. My musical output last year was sorrier than a two-dollar watch. But I did I find out that our band actually made us some money this past year over at CDBaby, so I do want to thank all y'all what bought our album! Thank you kindly and then some!

As for this here blog and writin', well I'm gonna keep it goin' for a spell. I reckon there'll be lots to talk 'bout what with it bein' a political year and whatnot. I also suspect I'll write some more 'bout football and especially them Fins and their hunt for a new coach and franchise quarterback. And, as I wrote above, I think I'm gonna share some stories with y'all about my adventures on the road from time to time.

By the way, some jokers are goin' off half-coked sayin' this year is a gonna be apocalyptic and whatnot. Pay them no mind. In fact, y'all can tell them folks bible thumpin' 'end time' chantin' yahoos that Judd Jugmonger (that there's me) says them ideas are just foolishness. They can 'tell it to Sweeney' til' the cows come home, for all I care ... I hope.

As for NFL prognosticatin', well, I think I'm gonna hang up that part of my life. That is unless CBS comes a courtin' on account of Bill Cowher comin' down from that high cotton he's a sittin' in just to coach them Dolphins. It was fun and I really liked doin' that there podcast way back when. But it was a lot of work and the truth is that if there ain't no cash at the end of the train tunnel, well then I reckon I need to put my talents and time to better use. Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

My friend and song writin' partner, Jay Schwartz, told me I ought to think 'bout  gettin' my 'business interests' in order and stop worryin' 'bout websites and SEO and stuff. "Judd, you have to just focus on the creative side and stop thinking about who's paying attention, or trying to get attention" he done told me. I think he makes a lot sense, especially on account of Google Adsense done blown him off, too!

Judd Jugmonger Was Here
Yes sir, folks, if y'all want to read some really good writin' I suggest y'all check out Jay's Wooly Yarn blog where he does his exfoliatin'. He's got him a goodly way with words, some of them I don't even understand myself, but then that never stopped me from readin' ... or writin'.

Ok, that's it for me. If I got anything interestin' to say 'bout anything, y'all can read it here, so take a gander every now and then. In the meantime, here's some words of wisdom to keep y'all til' next time: "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

Wishing y'all a Happy New Year and steady weather!
- Judd