Saturday, January 8, 2011

Holiday Fish Rot

Howdy Folks and Kin,

It's been a while since I wrote y'all. Not much has been happenin' in these parts, 'cept for them holidays and all. I got lost in a parkin' lot fer a spell, as well. Next year, I'll do my shoppin' early on account of the Piggly Wiggly is no place fer last minute shoppin'. In all my days, I never seen so many porkers in flip flops arguin' over a bag of beef jerky. I understand that times are hard fer some folks what don't got no pot to piss in, like me (hint, hint, send me your money right now!), but still them holidays are a time fer sharin' and the spirit of brotherhood. Maybe they got that brotherhood thing mixed up and thought it meant siblin' rivalry and such. I don't know. Lots a folks are confused these days - me, too!

Christmas was nice. I got me a shiny new guitar pick from my sweety deety, Jolene. She also gave me a kiss, so I guess I'm pretty fortunate. I gave her some new sexy bloomers what cousin Justine passed onto me ... what she was given fer her birthday last year by her special friend, Randy... what uh, likes to count his chickies before they is done hatchin' - know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Needless to say, Randy didn't get none and Cousin Justine dumped his sorry butt fer bein' presumptuous enough to give her that thar pair of them sexy bloomers. Cousin Justine got her scruples all in a duck row and she knows where she stands on them issues... and she just don't stand fer no one what wants to be issuin' nothin'! So, Jolene has got them bloomers now, compliments of me, and I'm sure they will be put to good use. Y'all can trust me on that!


Hey, any of y'all know what the heck is goin' on with them Fins? Fer you yankees and loop de loops out thar in the west, that's the Miami Dolphins, see? Well, I reckon y'all know they sort of imploded again last year and ended up with another losin' record at 7 and 9 and no playoff berth. I been down in the dumps on account of this and haven't really been interested in followin' them playoffs none. Also I been workin' on my guitar and my chicken pickin' skills and puttin' that thar new pick what Jolene gave me, to good use. But, hope springs eternal when you are a life long fan of them Fins ... which I is!

Now I tell y'all what, I've been sittin' on the edge of my porch followin' all them news reports tryin' to figure out why our once proud team has got its butt hangin' out and flappin' in the wind fer all to see. I understand them management folks want to make some changes on account of if the team ain't gonna win no home games, thar ain't gonna be no butts in them stadium seats. Folks will just come to them tail gatin' parties and then go off and listen to the Mad Dog and Joe Rose on the radio ... or they will just head on out and over to Hooters or some other such sports bar where they got other things to look at during timeouts and what not. No doubt, some folks will just head back to their doublewides to sit in there in their fancy home theaters with surround sound audio, 3d goggles and 42 foot screens ... and which is only a short walk to the comforts of their own outhouses. Oh, and don't ferget, all the beer they can drink fer free! That thar is a much better idea than givin' your monthly salary away to sit in the nose bleed section where ya can't tell Bo Diddley from Diddley Squat and can't hear a dang thing 'cept fer Julio and Juliette what don't speak no English none and won't turn down that thar dang Radio Ritmo!

Ok so here are my thoughts on how to turn things around and what not (from the tell me somethin' I don't know files):


Get a new QB, and get one quick! They don't call Chad Henne "robot" for no good reason. That boy can't see the forest from the trees, and heck he can't even throw over own front line. He ain't got the confidence to get'er and he can't even run none when he needs to get goin'. This ain't computer programmin' folks. It takes brains, not artificial intelligence. We need us a QB what can think on his feet and not just follow orders.

Tyler Thigpen is a good back up but he ain't competitive enough. I reckon he can think and run better than Chad Henne, so y'all have to wonder why he didn't take a giant leap frog forward durin' the season. The truth is he just wasn't competitive enough in the offseason. I say they can keep Tyler, but they need to bring in a proven 1st stringer quality QB to get the job done. Maybe Kevin Kolb or Vince Young?  I don't know, but I do know that we don't need no more 2nd stringers and journeyman has beens and never was. The time fer this square dance is NOW, so let's get'er done!

Now I like me that thar Coach Tony Sparano. I think he's got his head on straight and never stole no freight train. I think it's the players what just didn't get on and execute what it was they was learned to do. And I also reckon he trusted (or was given) the wrong offensive coaches. I think they need to give him more control over that thar personnel, too. Now, that bein' said, I believe them reports that he does that thar micro-managin' stuff, on account of you know that he's a stickler fer numbers and what not. So someone needs to tell him how to chill out and let them boys have some fun. That's right, he oughtsta have a few words or puffs of reefer with that thar Ricky Williams before he takes off fer free agency ... and then New York Jets!

I think that it was cryin' shame what Ross-Ireland-Peterson did to Tony this past week, by goin' out and lookin' fer a new coach while they still had him on the hangin' on the line. Well, them star struck 3 mouseketteers just fell short and ended up with egg nogg on their faces. Cowher wasn't gonna come to Miami unless he got 100% of what he wanted... meanin' that Ireland and Peterson would be out. So Peterson and Ireland ran a smokescreen on Ross and took him (and the media) all the ways out west to see Jim Harbough who's sittin' pretty high in the cotton right now... and was a wantin' to stay out on the west coast anyhow. This ain't rocket science folks. Ain't no one, except maybe Eric Mangini, would want to come and clean up them left over fish flakes and elephant pies on that thar orange carpet.

Get a new offensive coordinator, and get on quick! Dan Henning, what is older than Methuselah, needs to join Brett Favre on the Geritol circuit and just retire. He didn't get the job done none last year, nor the year before that, and that's that. Thar just ain't no more meat left on that thar bone. And while y'all are puttin' him out to pasture, y'all can send David Lee, that thar QBs coach with him as well. Y'all ever seen that movie Old Yeller? Well, then y'all know the endin' and what we need to do ... time fer a complete overhaul of the offensive brain trust. That's fer sure! Time to leave all of last year's offensive coaches out behind the barn.

Heck, this goes back to them Offensive Brain Trust. This here is them new coaches 1st priority. We need depth and we need to stop buildin' the whole offensive scheme around 1 or 2 better players. We need everyone to be better players - and yes players what can think on their feets. I reckon we had the same problem here we did with Chad Henne. Everyone followin' orders and not really seein' what's goin' on around them. Boys, if someone tells y'all to walk straight, y'all gots to use your eyes and brains to know not step in them potholes and dog droppin's along the way. Ya see? Lots a times last year them boys were just plain out thunk. Jake Long and Karlos Dansby were great, but they can't hold down the fort all by themselves.

Folks, we need us some new runnin' back. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown are as good as gone with the wind due to free agency. I've loved them both dearly over the years, but it's time to move on. Let's get us that thar Mark Ingram and some other youngbloods and teach them right and which we is up. If we can wrangle a big proven name, so much the better. Whatever it takes, just get'er done! Gettin' a new QB will help lots here, too.

6) DUMP JEFF IRELAND (and Peterson, too!)
General Mangler Jeff Ireland has got to go. It's time we pull chain and hold our noses on this one. And, who the heck is this Carl Peterson anyway? Is he the new Tuna or Pope or what? I understand he's a friend of owner Steve Ross, but he's stirred up more problems than a hornet in an outhouse!

I tell you what, the two of them together are one can short of a six pack, and is only lookin' out fer themselves. Now, I reckon it was Ireland what wanted to throw Sparano under the train on account of he figures: (a) it's easy to blame the coach when things gone sour. Truth is that Coach Sparano has had to make the best of the talent he was supplied with... such as Chad Henne and them other what nots. (b) Ross is chummy with Peterson and Ireland has a connection with Ireland - so now that the TUNA has swum out to sea, I reckon Ireland is just coverin' his ass and protectin' his job, rather than puttin' the team's needs first.

Ireland has already brought some shame to this here team when he asked that thar draft prospect last year whether his mama was a ... well I'm gonna be politically correct, folks, by sayin' sex worker ... and not a whore. His mouth has clearly overloaded his butt and now he's gone and tried to whack Tony Sparano. If y'all ask me, we don't need his way of doin' business. It's ugly. He must have fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. That boy is so stuck up, he’d drown in a rainstorm. It's also clear that the TUNA was the brains behind his position and that without him, Ireland's ain’t got the good sense God promised a billy goat on a good day. So I say turn him loose and let Sparano manage his own personnel. And that's all I have to say about that!


Folks, let be honest. Even since movin' into that blasted stadium, our teams have been more lost than a flea in a shag rug. 75,000 seats and y'all can hear a pin drop. With such a big stadium it just ain't possible to get any kind of noise and hometown support goin' fer the boys on the field. First time I was in that thar stadium I started one of them WAVES ... and folk's it ended before my arms were even raised above my head!

That old Orange Bowl what was torn down was great. Them players could hear them fans and get all excited on account of everyone was so close to each other and close to the field. Heck, you could cut the cheese in them nose bleed seats and them folks on the sidelines would shout "hey! did that come out of you?!"

I tell y'all what else, that thar Sun Life Stadium has got an identity crisis. How many names has it had over the years? Joe Robbie Stadium, Pro Player Stadium, Dolphins Stadium, Land Shark Stadium, Sun Life Stadium. No wonder our teams play so poorly there; they must be nervous they is playin' in the wrong stadium! Heck, fer some weeks they even got a baseball diamond on the field, and I'm sure that really confuses them players a bunch.

Now we also got us an Orange Carpet what them botox celebrity hoo ha's walk down and a night club fer them 5000 folks what pay through the nose to sip expensive French hooch and eat ritzy seafood what stanks as bad as some of our players play. That ain't what football is about Mr. Ross. If you want the other 70,000 seats filled with butts, you best be passin' around some free beer, beef jerky, nachos, chips, hot wings and, ok, some churros fer all them young Julios and Julliettes. And, don't ferget some of that thar mary jane fer them other rasta folks. So Mr Ross, TEAR DOWN THEM SKY BOXES!

I tell you what else, we don't need no Jennifer Lopez walkin' down no Orange Carpet neither. We need her to be down there with them other 70,000 fans, mixin' it up with them regular folks what want to look at her butt some. In fact, we should send all them cheerleaders up into the stands and let them do their thing. I ain't sayin' they need to do no lap dancin' or anything, but it would be a whole lot better to see them up close and all. Now, THAT's how you can get folks to fill them seats, Mr. Ross.

Lastly, stop messin' with our fight song! It served us well durin' the perfect season. We don't need no new rap crap hip hop diddle by no T-Pain In The Butt what no one can understand them words. And you can tell Jimmy Buffet, what currently lives them Hamptons in Long Island, New York, that we don't need his song neither. Fin's to the left, fins, to the right ... take your Yankee fins and stick them up your butt. Y'all can have a Pabst Blue Ribbon on me ... not that cracker jack watered down lager swill what' you is tryin' to pass off as real beer... and what you stole it's name from Chevy Chase. Landshark? Sounds likes somethin' what been rottin' on the beach fer too long. 

Folks, it seems them folks manglin' our football team don't know nothin' 'bout no football. Our football team needs stability so that we can get back to the business of winnin' by supportin' our head coach Tony Sparano and givin' him the staff and players to get'er done - instead of stabbin' him in the back and all us fans, too! We don't need no fancy sky boxes with perrier in them toilets. We don't need orange carpets with celebrities what don't even come to watch the game. We need real players what can play and we need lots and lots of junkfood and freebies, too! Starbucks delivery would be also nice, if y'all can arrange it. I'd be much obliged if y'all did.

Now I surely hope that my suggestions are put to good use ... and that in time I am fairly compensated fer my ideas. Y'all can use the "donate" button over thar on the side to get it done. I thank you in advance.

Let's Get'er Done In The Off Season, Folks! GO FINS!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger
PS. Here is some FINS stuff I recommend fer y'all to have. I recommend the beer mug mnyself!

Miami Dolphins Stop Sign  Miami Dolphins Crystal Freezer Mug  Miami Dolphins Sunglasses  NFL Miami Dolphins Mr. Potato Head

Miami Dolphins Wall Poster Poster Print, 22x34 Poster Print, 22x34  Miami Dolphins Classic Adjustable Baseball Hat  Miami Dolphins Cool Six Cooler  Miami Dolphins Neoprene Mouse Pad