Sunday, July 18, 2010

BP: Have a Nice Doomsday

Howdy folks and kin,

We're still a few weeks away NFL football season, and I sure hope we make it till then! Y'all wanna know why I say that? On account of all sorts of what not I've been readin' about here on the internet what's got me as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs.

I mean, folks we got us some earthquakes in Maryland of all places, and if y'all don't think that thar's got nothin' to do with that thar BP (redcoats!) oil spill foolishness in the Gulf, then y'all are one can short of a six-pack! Now I don't like to be no doomsday sayer, but I think some of them worrisome worried folks might have an idea or two, and maybe we oughtsta give them a listen.

So today, I aim to learn y'all somethin' what I know lots about, and that thar is methane gas. I suspect from the smell of things in some parts, some of y'all know somethin' about this, too. Know what I mean? I think y'all do! I'm also gonna talk about what's called "Ryskin's methane extinction theory". That thar is Ryskin, with an "R", not pigskin, with a "P".

Now, this ole Jugmonger ain't no conspiracy monger, but I hear that some scientist fellers were able to sneak out some research results from under the honkers of them BP red coated James Bond types what must surely be clampin' down on this news better than they done clamped down on that thar gushin' oil!

It seems that them BP redcoats drilled down so many miles into a geologically unstable region that they may have uncorked the release of a mega methane-bubble. I'm not talkin' about no can of baked beans variety of methane-bubble or even or pasture full of cow methane-bubbles. I'm talkin' some gas passin' so deadly, it will wipe us off this planet fer good!

Now folks, there is some science behind this and a bit of history, as well. It seems that like 250 million years ago a similar methane-bubble stunk up the outhouse but good, if y'all pardon the expression. This wasn't no ordinary passin' gas in the bathtub kind of bubble. No sir, this was a killer! That methane bubble rose from the ocean floor, and when it broke the surface it took out like more than 95% of all life on the planet! If ya don't believe me, then look up what's called the "Permian Extinction" event. They should've spelled it the X-STINK-TION, if y'all ask me, but I ain't no lingualist.

But I tell y'all what, that wasn't the only event of that stinky nature. 55 million years later, the ocean laid another stink bomb what caused more mass extinctions. That thar was called the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum (LPTM). That maximum stinker lasted 100,000 years, and brought about all sorts of global warmin' and what not.

Now folks, guess where them killer fart bubbles burst from? If ya'll said the Persian Gulf, y'all would be wrong. But, if ya'll answered the Gulf of Mexico, then y'all would be right! If y'all are that smart then y'all don't need no rocket scientists to put one 1 and 1 together to tell us we may be in a heap of stinky touble: the fartin' bubble, bubble, toil and trouble kind of trouble! More trouble than all them cows collected together might cause.

Now I mentioned them earthquakes near them Baltimore Ravens home. Well trust me, them earth shakers ain't got nothin' to do with them Raven's quarterback corps, least of all former Miami Dolphins quarterback John Beck! Nope. What they might got to do with is a rise in the seafloor causin' large vents what might let that mega-methane bubble slip! Now whether it happen's on this side or that side of Florida, it still means the same thing: my outhouse is gonna smell a lot rosier than them great outdoors!

So folks, I want y'all to check out this link and let me know what y'all stink ... I mean think.

In the meantime, I'm gonna sit in my outhouse and practice holdin' my nose. I suggest y'all do the same. In the worst case scenario though, I'm gonna get on down to the Pigly Wiggly and get me some cans of them BBQ baked beans. Heck, I reckon if ya can't lick 'em, you may as well join 'em!

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

PS. Here's some books what might help us all, just in case.

Complete Idiot's Guide to Surviving Anything (The Complete Idiot's Guide)Zen of FartingThe Four Bubbas of the Apocalypse: Flatulence, Halitosis, Incest, and... NedWho's Making That Smell? (Luxury Flap Books)Your Guide To Air Purifiers: Air Purifier, Powerful Technology To Clean The Air You Breath

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