Saturday, June 26, 2010

Jugmongers CSI: The Case of the Tasered Granny

Howdy folks and kin,

Each mornin' I take a gander at the news headlines. Now on some mornin's, everythin' is as ripe as roses on account of thar's not much is goin'. Other mornin's its seems as if some folks have all gone off half-cocked. Today's big news, what I'm gonna talk about, AIN'T about:

- that our soccer boys in the FIFA World Cup (that thar's Team USA!) are a gonna make them Ghana boys eat dirt.

- that them BP red coats have figured out a way to stop that thar oil spill.

- that we got us the 1st Tropical Storm (Alex) in the Gulf of Mexico what is gonna sling that thar oil around from Sam Hill to Gulf Breeze.

- it surely ain't about health care reform, tax cuttin' or celebratin' our independence come July 4th, next weekend.

- Michael Jackson tributes, LaToya Jackson's accusatorials or anyone forgettin' to wear their bloomers in public.

- Buzz Aldrin interview about what happened to his what not on the moon.

Folks, what IT IS about is an 86-year old granny, in El Reno, Oklahoma, what was bedridden and strapped up to an oxygen tank (not the Buzz Aldrin kind) and what was TASERED because she, in the words of "El Reno's finest", had taken on an “aggressive posture”. Now, I tell y'all what, I wasn't thar, but it seems to me that from what I read, that thar granny would've been lucky to git into any posture at all!

Here's the link to this here story: Don't Taser My Granny!

Folks, I like to think that I'm a fair minded person, and I don't normally like to take sides, unless of course I'm playin' the devil's advocate just fer fun. I believe that thar just might be more to this here story than what them media folks is feedin' us. So I thought I would share with y'all some ideas on what might really have happened.

Case Background:

The granny's grandson called the powers that be on account of he hadn't heard from her in a spell and wanted to make sure she was takin' her medicinals. I reckon he called them 911 folks, and maybe them police showed up to break into her house, on account of she was stuck in bed as she feeble and frail. Most of them news stories I read just says he called 911, and them police suddenly showed up instead of them paramedics brandishin' them tasers and a lookin' to kick butt.

Now, y'all know I got me some issues with them revenuers, but still I reckon most anyone would think twice about taserin' any 86-year old what was lyin' in bed with an oxygen mask on. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Now supposedly, the story goes that that thar grandson got all ornery on account of he didn't want no revenuers in his granny's house scarin' her, so them boys in blue threatened him with tasers first. At some point, he yells "don't taser my granny" and so, as them is fightin' words to them police, they wrestled him to the ground and took him out. Then they stepped on that thar granny's oxygen tube to disorientate her before taserin' her a couple of times just to be safe. After all, an oxygen tank can be a pretty lethal in the wrongs hands!

All right usin' my powers of prognostication, what I usually use fer them NFL games, I reckon some of the followin' might have happened:

Scenario 1:
One of them revenuers stepped on that thar granny's oxygen tube by accident. The grandson gets all angry on account of his granny is all blue in the face. He yells at them fuzz so they take him down, and then one of them police gets scared and tasers the granny on account of she's all blue and is thrashin' around in bed. Maybe that that starched collar thought she was one of them Avatars from them movies. I don't know. I heard they got lots of reports of alien cow mutilations goin' on out thar in Oklahoma.

Scenario 2:
The police break down the door to get into the house. They find the granny smokin' some of that thar weed (fer medicial purposes of course!) in her bed, too close to her oxygen tank. The grandson yells "it's gonna blow, granny!", but them police think he's a yellin' "blow'em up granny!", so they take him down. Then they try to cut off the oxygen by standin' on her oxygen tube. She passes out and drops the oxygen tank, but them trotters think she is launchin' an attack so they taser her ... and then they taser her again, just to be sure.

Scenario 3:
Fer this one, y'all have to remember that this series of events takes place in Oklahoma, what's famous few them golden films the "Wizard of Oz" and "Twister". The police enter the granny's home. The granny asks her grandson "do you small something bakin?", but them poice heard "can you smell bacon?" All of a sudden, an F1 tornado hits. Tasers go off and that thar oxygyn tank starts flyin' every where. I reckon y'all can figure out the rest of the story.

Scenario 4:
The granny is no innocent biscuit maker here. Fer days, she'd be callin' her grandson every 10 minutes for him to go buy her some bananas and prune juice. When he refused she decided to lay a guilt trip on him by not callin' him fer a few days. He gets all nervous and calls 911. They send over the police to break down the door to her double wide thinkin' she might be pushin' up daisies by now. They get in and she's fine, but obviously needs some help cause she is 90 pounds and looks sickly. So they ask her fer her social security number so they can hook her up with some social worker what can send over some "meals on wheels" and a nurse to follow up on her medicinals. Well, that thar granny gets as mad as a mule what's been chewin' on bumblebees. She starts yellin' "I ain't goin' to no blasted old folks home!" She also tells the policeman that her grandson's wife is out to get her.

The grandson starts hyperventilatin' and yellin' at her on account of her mistrustful and fearful ways, and on account that he's just plumb fed up with the old woman's guilt trips and mind games. He threatens to cut off her oxygen. Well, the police, thinkin' they got them an escalatin' episode of domestic violence (senior citizen abuse), so they threaten the grandson to calm down or get tasered. They tell him to leave the home. The granny, what can't hear too well when she don't want to, hears the word "home" and throws her oxygen tank at one of them flat foots. All heck breaks loose! Result: 1 took down grandson and 1 tasered granny.

Folks, this here is one of them stories what everyone is all up and arms about. It's easy to misjudge some folks, even them revenuers and boys in blue, and especially some grannies. No one knows fer sure what happened, and so far it seems like we are only gettin' one side of the story. As fer the rest of the story, well, that probably will never see the livin' daylights. So my advice to y'all is: don't git your knickers in no twist, and use some of that thar energy to root for our soccers boys in that thar World Cup. And for all y'all what want to take your anger out on them powers that be, well I just think y'all would be better served, by goin' over to visit your grandmas or grandpas, or even someone else's old folks, and havin' a cold one with them. Maybe they'll even share some of their oxygen with you, too! I'm sure that will help put y'all in the right frame mind, which ain't one frame short of a roll.

All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger

For all you folks what are worried about this kind of what not, go ahead and read these books. They can keep you from being tasered! Y'all can thank me later!

Our Enemies in Blue: Police and Power in America (Revised Edition)Tom Swift and His Electric RiflePolice Taser Utilization: The Effect of Policy Change (Criminal Justice: Recent Scholarship)Practical Police Psychology: Stress Management And Crisis Intervention for Law EnforcementDeath Work: Police, Trauma, and the Psychology of SurvivalYou & the Police!The Savvy Senior: The Ultimate Guide to Health, Family, and Finances For Senior CitizensOld Farts Are ForeverHow to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free: Retirement Wisdom That You Won't Get from Your Financial AdvisorSupercharged Retirement: Ditch the Rocking Chair, Trash the Remote, and Do What You Love