Saturday, May 29, 2010
Howdy Folks & Kin,
Welcome to Memorial Day weekend! Fer lots a folks I know, that means 2 things: BBQ and Racing. For them BBQ fans, it might mean chicken or burgers. For them racin' fans, it means the Indy 500 or the NASCAR Coco Cola 600. I hope if y'all are like me, you'll enjoy both.
Now, since the Indy 500 is considered by many to be the greatest spectacle in racin', folks are always pesterin' me about what I think about this and that and about who's a gonna win what and why. I'm especially talkin' about them folks what want me to use my powers of prognosticatin' to help win them some bettin' money! Well, on the chance that some of them do win and might remember me - the kind hearted feller I am what gave y'all them picks - I thought I'd throw my two cents and some wooden nickels into the manifold and watch the sparks fly. So I'm gonna tell you who I like in that thar Indy 500 race.
Ok, first off, let me explain why I believe I'm qualified to give my picks for that thar race:
(1) I hail from South Florida and drove the I-95 lots, so I know somethin' about drivin' under Yellow Flag conditions, and havin' folks zoom up behind you just to smell your tail pipe like a hound dog, and then try to overtake you and cut you off. Of course, if you try to cut someone off on I-95, folks start shootin' like its the New York subway, so after some time you get learned on how to take off like Moody's Goose and accelerate in and away from the crowd.
(2) I've also been in more than a fair share of fender benders, but never one I didn't drive away from. I've had engine fires and head on collisions, and even once had a policeman on Miami Beach tell me I can't drive, and I quote, "that bust up piece of turd" on the streets! Once, I was even sittin' in my car, what was parked at the end of a block in Miami Beach, and had an 89 year old blue haired driver make a right turn into me goin' like 10 miles per hour. So I know what that thar Blue Flag is all bout, too!
(3) I also know lots about drivin' in circles on account of I lived fer a spell in Houston and drove the I-610. That thar's the "Loop". It's a good thing they put in an exit fer Galveston and also one fer the Katy Freeway, cause otherwise I might still be drivin' that thar ring road today!
(4) I know somethin' about drivin' long distances. I drove coast to coast from Miami to Los Angeles, and then some. I also took the Greyhound Bus cross country a couple times back when I was a youngin', again Miami to Los Angeles. I tell you what folks, we sure got us a beautiful country, and them old Federal Highways still beat the pants off of them fancy Interstates. Of course, I still spend lots of time tourin' with my band, but mainly I don't do the drivin' no more on account of I like to write my songs when I'm on the road. Song writin' and drivin' don't mix, so these days I take the bus or the train.
(6) I drove though tropical storms in Miami and snow storms in New York, and on mountain dirt roads in Michigan. So I know a thing or two about fish tailin'.
(7) I like NASCAR, though I never ran moonshine, unlike some of my cousins and kinfolk. But, I have had my share of bears, county mounties and state troopers run me down. I like that thar GTA2, but not so much GTA3; that thar Liberty City is just too realistic fer me, especially since I hail from Miami! BUSTED!
(8) I can watch "The Blues Brothers" and "Smokey And The Bandit" back to back all day.
All right, all that bein' said, now I'm gonna tell you what I think about the big race. Now keep in mind that some of my ideas might not make much sense in the traditional racin' perspectives, but them is my picks anyways.
Now it goes without sayin' that of all them drivers what have qualified have got the skills and know how to win this here race. So thar's no point in me talkin' about how good they drive. That would be as dumb as me tellin' y'all how to eat a Florida Orange, so I want to focus some other issues. All right, here it goes.
Overall, I like me that thar Andretti Autosports racin' team. They sure got them some good drivers! Any of them could win this here big race, and here's why:
Position: 17, Car 37, Odds: 50-1 or 30-1
- Ryan Hunter-Reay: Why? On account he's a Florida boy just like me. Florida boys just do it better. That thar's a fact, plain and simple. He won the IndyCar Series Rookie of the Year back in 2007. He also won his first IndyCar race at Watkins Glen International. He's drivin' that thar IZOD car this year, which also happens to be the race's main sponsor. So I reckon if this race was fixed, and I ain't sayin' it is, he be a safe bet for advertisin' purposes. Now until the 90s, IZOD had that thar gator for its logo, and well, we got some gators here in Florida, includin' the Florida Gators college football team what had Tim Tebow for their quarterback. So thar you go! Ok, ok, now I know lots of y'all will bust my chops tellin' me that thar IZOD gator was really a preppy French Crocodile by the name of "Lacoste". Shucks, I hope that don't "cost" him the race, none! Finally, Ryan lives in Ft. Lauderdale, which is a stone's throw from Miami, so I reckon he's picked up a few moves drivin' on I-95!
Position 33, Car 11, Odds: 10-1 or 22-1
- Tony Kanaan: Why? He ain't from America, but he's one heck of a driver and looks good in a cowboy hat. He hails from Brazil, which is South America, and where they got them a good soccer team. That's got to mean something. He also drives that thar 7-11 Slurpee car - and well, I can't resist a Slurpee! As a driver, he is gooder’n grits. He's got him 13 Indy wins! Now, he's won all sorts of races and has finished its hard to think of any race without him finishin' in the top 5 or 10. He's even won a few races, too. You can never count Tony out of nothin'. Over the driven with some of the best, and still does! Lastly, Tony also in Miami, so I reckon he knows all about I-95 and defensive drivin'! Now call me sentimental, but I think the most folks are rootin' and tootin' for ole' Tony to win this one, even though he's starting in the 33rd position. Oh thank heaven for 7-11 and Tony Kanaan!
Position 16, Car 7, Odds: 12-1 or 30-1
- Danica Patrick: On account of ... well, shucks, you know she's Danica Patrick! Enough said on that one. Her big win in the 2008 Indy Japan 300 made her the first woman to win an Indy car race! How about that! She's one smart driver, and I tell you what, I respect her cause she can stick it to them men drivers without losin' her femininity none. She was Rookie of the Year for both the 2005 Indianapolis 500 and the 2005 IndyCar Series season. She also started and finished 4th that year. In 2008 she was the first woman to win a major closed-course auto race. Last year, of course, she finished 3rd place at Indy and was 5th overall in them championship standin's! She's drivin' that thar GoDaddy.Com car and I tell y'all what, she can drive circles round me any day! I'll bet lots a drivers will be fiddlin' with their pole positions when she comes around that thar track. If thar was a woman what could win this race, she's the one... and I'd surely like to see her wallop that thar Milka Duno anyway. Heck, she even drives NASCAR now! God Bless Danica Patrick!
Position 13, Car 26, Odds: 15-1 or 16-1
- Marco Andretti: Why? He's Michael Andretti's son and Mario Andretti's grandson! He's one heck of a chip off both of them ole blocks. He's actually a 3rd generation race, so you know he's got the genes, and I ain't talkin' bout no Levi's Jeans, neither. He came a close second in 2006's race. This year he's drivin' that thar Venom Energy Drink car what's sort of looks like Spiderman's car, even though Venom was one of Spiderman's enemies. I reckon, that might scare some other drivers some. He's one up and comin' racin' youngin' what also live in Miami!
Now outside of the Andretti team, another feller I got my eyes on is this youngin': Graham Rahal: Why? Heck, he's Bobby Rahal's boy, and now both Rahal Sr. and Jr. are workin together. Outside of Indy, he's also workin with Sara Fisher's team. Sara, of course, is also drivin' in the race. She drives that thar yellow Dollar General Stores car. Now I like them Dollar General Stores. They got some good deals thar! She's also a good role model fer women in sports and sports management. She the first female team owner in Indy history. That means she's slicker than a chased greased hog, both on the track and in the office! I respect that!
So there go! Them is my picks. The truth is I'd be happy if any of these drivers win and end up in the winner's circle drinkin' that thar pint of milk. That's right, for those of you what don't know, the winner ends up drinkin' milk and hosed down with champagne, which is my opinion, is just one more reason why Danica Patrick should win! Know what I mean? I think you do!
All the best,
- Judd Jugmonger
PS. Just want you folks to know, all joshin' aside, that I think Danica Patrick really is one heck of a driver. She is both faster than greased lightnin' and cuter than a speckled pup in a red wagon. I salute her!
Fer all y'all what want to learn somethin' about racin', I recommend these fine titles. Lots a words and even some pictures, too!