Saturday, July 6, 2013

50 Years And Countin'

Howdy Folks and Kin!

I know I ain't been 'round much ... well at least not in these web parts ... but this summer good things are a comin', so I'm here to tell all y'all to hold on to all y'alls britches! I got me some new ideas what I want to work on and come hell or high water and I aim to do just that.

By the way, the calendar on the wall says today is my birthday. That's right. I am 50 years old, well on my way to bein' one of them centurians ... or is it centenarians? I guess I gots to break out my Funk & Wagnalls some and take a gander. But in my days loiterin' about this planet, I've had plenty of time to think on a few of them worldly issues what we are all facin' - and I says 'we' on account of 'we' is all in this stew pot together. Now I ain't no Buddah none, despite my pot belly, but I think it's time some of us need to 'shit' or get off the pot, and make this world a better place for all - and I aim to start with me.

Now, I reckon there are lots of folks what don't know what a 'humanitarian' is. No, it ain't got nothin' to do with them vegetarian folks. And no, it ain't got nothin' to do with eatin' them rich folks or banksters. It's 'bout makin' a difference in the lives of your fellow men or women. Them humanitarians are good folks what wanna do right by most ... and maybe even get themselves one of them Nobel Peace Prizes - what must fetch more than a pretty penny at them pawn shops ... not sayin' that matters to me none ... but uh ... well y'all know what I mean what with these hard times and all.

I've been spendin' some time ridin' the old KV rail line goin' nowhere in particular. Have been stayin' for a spell in Tohopkee just shootin' the breeze with nature and playin' my harmonica. Gots lots of time on my hands what with this economic regression still goin' on. It's been rough as a cob on most folks I know, especially me! Why, even my sweety deety Jolene done up and went to spend time with her folks what were feelin' poorly, and ended up stayin' over there in Gulf Breeze - where they got plenty of folk what are sittin' in some pretty high cotton, if you know what I mean. I think you do! Truth be known, I sure miss her though and can't help but feelin' I got me the wrong end of the eatin' stick! Sendin' her my love, as always.

Ok, am gettin' hungry and since there ain't no use in arguin' with a fence post, I'm a gonna wrap up these proceedings here. Hope to be in touch with y'all soon. Meanwhile, at 50 years old, all I have to say is to remember that 'every day above ground is a good one'.

All the best,
Judd Jugmonger

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Elephants And Pigskins

Howdy Folks & Kin!

On account of this here is a sort of a week-off for us NFL fans, I thought I'd pass along to y'all my thoughts on politics, being that this here is an election year. Lots of folks have written me askin' 'bout what I think 'bout them GOP candidates what are steppin' over each others' cracks tryin' to get in line to get walloped by President Obama come this November.

First of all y'all have to know that I ain't no tea-bagger and I ain't no republican. That's right. I'm a coffee drinker and I aim to stay that way. As of now, I'm plannin' on votin' for Obama on account he ain't gonna take away some of my kin's food stamps, like them republicans are a wantin' to do all the time to give them to their banker friends and Big Business lobbyists what don;t need none in the first place! That there makes me madder than a mule chewin' on bumblebees!

Ok, as of today, we got us the followin' sorry bunch of fellers: Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul. Here's what I think 'bout then ne'er do wells.

Rick Santorum: I don't like that Rick Santorum none. It seems to me he's one of them bible-thumpin' corn-flake chewers. In fact, I ain't so sure, and don't go a quotin' me but I got an itchin' that Michelle Bachmann (what got her own campaign wrecked by a corndog) was really him in 'drag'. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Heck, I looked up that there feller's name on the internet, and what I came up with first on the Google was this:   Now, I don't know 'bout all y'all but no sir, I don't want me none of that stuff in the oval office!

Another problem I got with that there Rick Santorum is that he walks and talks like one of them bible thumpers. I reckon he ain't got no gumption in tellin' me that I is a heathen and am goin' to hell. Folks, who y'all vote for is your business, but I tell y'all what, I for one ain't gonna vote for no one what's gonna tell me to go to hell! I suggest y'all do the same!

Billy Romney
Mitt Romney: Ok, here we got us a Mormon. I reckon that's all what needs to be said 'bout that! Ok, I'm just joshin' a bit, but for many folsk that there is strike one. He's a rich feller, too, and most likely knows lots a of bankers, so that's strike two!

Strike 3? Well, I tell y'all what folks, I read somewhere what his real name is 'Billy' but he didn't like that name too much, so he asked his kindergarten teacher to call him "Mitt". I wouldn't vote for a candidate what gots issues with his own name! Would you? 

Newt Gingrich: I remember this cry-baby from back in them 80s ... or was it them 90s? Y'all remember back when Clinton was the president. This one likes to hoot n' holler and get his feathers all riled up and stuff. I also read that he likes spendin' time in zoos. 

Newt Gingrich / Jimmy Johnson
Now the truth is I think he's got him some fancy ideas about this that and whatnot, some of which may not be that bad. All in all though, he don't seem like a 'team' player which is what y'all got to be in Washington, especially if y'all want to get any real work done. It seems to me he's a wantin' to blow his horn a bit too much and in a way what's out of tune with what his party likes to hear.

I tell y'all what else: he reminds me of Jimmy Johnson what ditched our Fins way back when to go fishin'. Is that the kind of man y'all want to lead this country? I think not, and I am unanimous is my decision.

Mostly, I reckon he's just a cranky feller, and I wouldn't give my vote to no cranks! So that's all I have to say 'bout that. 

Ron Paul
Ron Paul: Here's a dodderin' old feller what's got some good ideas on the fixin' the economical regression. Other than that though, he ain't got a whole lot to say 'bout no nothin. He's one of them 'Libertarians' what think they know what our country's foundin' fathers had in mind when they wrote that there U.S. Constitution. 

I don't know, but that there Paul feller is older than Methuselah; maybe he was there in 1776, as I said, I don't know. What I do know is that regular folks don't seem to take a shine to him on account of he reminds them of their grand-pappys. So he's a like a snowball's chance of hell of winnin' the Pabst Blue Ribbon, so givin' him your vote is like throwin' a pumpkin pie down the outhouse hole.
Ok! Enough with politics! Let's talk us some football!

Superbowl Update: 

I still think them New England Patriots is a gonna beat them New York Giants into next season. Personally, I'm gonna root for them Giants and Eli Mannin' - but honestly folks, that's like rootin' for that there Ron Paul. Still, if them Giants can knock that there cheatin' Bill Belichick back to hell, that will be fine by me. Just don't bet the farm on it!

Miami Dolphins Update:

I sure am is excited by some of them coachin' fellers what are gettin' hired to lead our Fins to the Super Bowl! I sure am happy we're done with Dallas Cowboys' retreads and 'has beens'. Of course, general mangler Jeff Ireland is still yankin' some outhouse chains some ... but folks if he can land us a franchise QB sooner than yesterday, then I for one will be willing to shake the man's hand and let bygones be bygones. Time to move forward and kick us some butt.

I also know there's lots of defense talk 'bout changin' from the 3-4 to the 4-3 and uh 6 of one, half a dozen of them others. To me, it don't take mean much of hoo-ha what we do as long as our players know how to tackle, cover and strip that ball away from our opponents. This ain't rocket science, folks! It's how the game is one for all them 'elite' teams ... like we was way back when in them glory days.

A Pain In The Neck
As for our hunt for a franchise QB, I think them chips are still on the table. I ain't 100% sure 'bout Green Bay backup Matt Flynn. Of course, it would be great to see Peyton Manning suit as a Dolphin, but I just don't see him bein' the long term answer. Also, I know all about them pain in the necks on account of blowin' my harmonica too hard. I'm sorry to say that them sort of pains are not easily fixed. So what I'm sayin' folks is that I reckon Peyton Manning is a gonna need to hang his cleets up on the retirement line and get him a cushy job as a broadcaster. Sorry, hoss.

Matt Moore? Well, don't get all y'all's long-johns in a twist none, but I think he's someone to develop. I think he came on strong last season and done us all proud - and he did that without really gettin' a good off season under his belt on account of that blasted union lock out. Still, I got a feelin' that he ain't gonna pick up on Joe Philbin's new offense, too well. 

Needs to shine in practice
See, in practice and trainin' camps, he never really impressed them coaches enough to land him a startin' position. Maybe he's just more of 'let's get on the field and kick us some butt' type QB what don't like to learn playbooks and such. I don't know. What I do know is that head coach Joe Philbin is gonna make them players use them noggin's more off the field. I just don't think that's gonna sit well with Matt Moore. Now, I ain't sayin' he's one can short of a six-pack when it comes to brains - I'm just sayin' he needs to smarten up off the field and in practice - and show then new coaches what he's the best man for the job. If he ain't gonna compete, well then he oughsta find himself a seat on that there short bus what QB Chad Henne is gonna drive way from Joe Robbie Stadium, of whatever the heck it is it's called these day.

Draft day? Yes sir, lots of folks are surely and already goin' off 'bout them draft picks. I reckon y'all know that unless we trade up some, there's slim pickin's at QB. So don't be surprised none if we end up with another offensive lineman, That's what it is folks. 

Well, that's it for me! And now some words of wisdom, especially for them republican condiments: Ain't no one drowns by fallin' in the water. Y'all drown by stayin there!

All the best, - Judd Jugmonger

Here's some good readin' what I recommend!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Champions And Chumps: NFL Championship Games 2012

Howdy Folks and Kin,

Well, here we are, a few days away from them NFL championship games. I sure was surprised them Green Bay cheese-heads didn't fare too well none and had to say fare well in the end. Then again, they was feelin' poorly and all, and just didn't bring their best game. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. It's a cryin' shame, but on any given Sunday, that's just the way them 'green cheese' cookies crumble. Meanwhile, here are my thoughts on them upcomin' games and whatnot..

AFC Championship Game:

First we got us them QB Joe Flacco the wacko and his Baltimore Ravens goin' up against them New England Patriots and QB Tom Brady. Heck folks, there ain't no brainer here,Tom Brady is gonna wallop him some them Baltimore birdies. And it ain't just Tom Brady them birdies have to worry 'bout, it's that their cheatin' coach Bill Belichick. OK, I tell y'all what I don't like him none, but I surely do respect his strategizin' and game plannin'. Heck, y'all have to give him credit for knowing how to ride them other teams hard and putting them away wet ... even if he is a no count cheater.

Anyway, I'd be surprised if anything get in them Pat's way this weekend, and if and when they go though to the big game, I'm gonna root against. Heck, for all y'all what like to root or bet on them underdogs, which in case would be them Ravens, all I have to say is it's your money to lose.

So that's that. Go with them New England Patriots what will leave them Baltimore Ravens holdin' the wrong end of the eatin' stick.

NFC Championship Game:

Meanwhile, over there in the NFC championship game, we got us them New York Giants vs. them San Francisco 49ers. It's them Giant's QB Eli Manning vs. them 49er's QB Alex Smith. Sure, both teams got lots of other players and coaches, too, y'all know this here is a gonna be an air war to remember. At the end of the day, I say them 49er's are a gonna ride the short bus home from the stadium. The way I see it, them Giants receivers are just gonna run wild, and them Giants pass rush will have QB Alex Smith on his toes ... and if they catch him, then also maybe with his mouth full of dirt. Folks, I don't need to spin me my little pigskin none to prognosticate that them Giants will win the Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Ok, so that them is my picks for what teams get to go head to head in the Super Bowl: Them Patriots vs. them Giants. Now y'all know that I ain't much of a gambler, but I know some of y'all are. If y'all win some of that there green, well, don't forget about me, and do the right thing by leavin' yours truly a tip, and I don't mean a stock tip! Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

All right! Now that we got that bit of business over and done with, let get on with it on account of we got us some Fins talk to digest.

Dolphins Thoughts (no bull, no tuna):

Ok, well I guess y'all know that there's lots of comin' and goin's among them NFL coaches. Here in Miami, I'm expectin' an announcement any moment on who's a gonna take the reigns of my Miami Dolphins. It surely ain't gonna be no superstar coach walkin' down that there orange carpet as owner Steve Ross promised and couldn't deliver.

But folks and Fin fans, let's be honest, whoever the new coach is, we need to get on the bandwagon, support him, root for the home team, kick ass and ... uh, in general, Go Fins! At this point I'd just like to get those dog and pony show on the road!

Who do I think them Fins management will pick? Well, I'd say whoever can land us a franchise QB. Here's my prognostications for who's goin' to the QB prom and with whom ... this ain't rocket science, folks:

It's Joe Philbin (Green Bay) what will bring us star backup QB Mat Flynn or it's Mike McCoy (Bengals) what will bring us Tim Tebow. Personally, I suspect it's gonna be McCoy on account I think Steve Ross wants to see himself prancin' down that there orange carpet with Tim genuflectin' Tebow.

As for current interim head coach Todd Bowles, well I reckon he's gonna take over for Mike Nolan as our defensive coordinator - so he don't need to bring no one to the QB prom. I wouldn't be surprised though if some other sorry team, like Oakland, snaps him up as their new head coach. He's a good man and I think he'll do a fine job wherever here goes. But I just don't think he' gotta snow ball's chance in hell of gettin' the head coach job here.

I ain't gonna say much 'bout our Dolphin's general mangler Jeff Ireland, cept' maybe he oughtsta wipe some of that there whatnot from his nose. That's right, as the sayin' goes, "my cow done up and died last night so I don’t need none of your bull". time for him to skidaddle on out of here, and that's a fact. Know what I mean? I think y'all do.

Jugmonger News:

Not much to say here folks. Things here at the Katywonkered Cafe' are still slow on account of the economic regression. I've been workin' on some of the new songs we're gettin' set to put together for the new record. My darlin' Jolene came back from a visitin' her folks. Apparently, they got them some new fangled indoor plumbin' now and done dispensed with their double decker outhouse. Yes, they surely is sittin' in some pretty high cotton way over yonder in Gulf Breeze. As Bob Dylan sang, "y'all don't know need a weatherman to tell which the wind is blowin'" up there! 

I tell y'all what, I just don't know what this old world is comin' to. Talk about goin' to hell in a hand-basket ... just like them Indianapolis Colts. But that there is another story!

All the best,
- Judd


Hey, y'all! It's been reported that there cheese-head Joe Philbin will be the new Miami Dolphins' Head Coach! Glory Be! Can I pick'em or what?

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year Whatnots

- Not Me -
Howdy folks and kin,

Surprise! I'm back and it looks like I'm back for a new year, so I reckon that there's good! I hope all y'alls holidays were gastronomical. I know mine were on account of my britches are too tight again and I'm back to wearin' my suspenders 'in loo' of my belt ... which seems to have shrunk some. Also, can you spell GERD? I can.

I know I ain't been around much, and thanks to all y'all what sent me some emails sayin' "boy, where the heck you been?" Well, I'll tell you folks, I had to go off and do me some real thinkin' on what's important to me in life and to get me some good ideas on what to do to overcome this here economic repression we've been havin'. To  tell you the truth though, after doin' much thinkin' ans scratchin' my noggin' I still ain't got no answer!

Still, as much as I love writin' and talkin' and goin' on 'bout this that and whatnot, the truth is I ain't got a pot a piss in ... and so I had to get me a real job! My food ran out and I was so hungry and I was fartin' cobwebs! That's right!

- Not Me -
The only thing is that good jobs these days are scarcer than hen's teeth! I asked around some over at the Jobline, and I got some lines on some occupational hazards. Of the slim pickin's what were out there, here are some job offers what I turned down:
  • Short bus driver for them New York Jets: - pretty boy QB Mark Sanchez got the job.
  • Grand Marshall for the King Orange Jamboree Parade: y'all seen the Orange Bowl lately? I ain't.
  • Turd wrangler for FPL's Turkey Point Nuclear Power Plant: I may be wrong but I just don't think that atomic energy and outhouses mix well.
  • Porn star: - I didn't mind droppin' my pants none, but them folks wanted me to take my socks off!
  • Speech writer for Michelle Bachmann: - I'm a coffee drinkin' man,  and writin' gaffes ain't my cup of tea. Anyway, I think Sarah Palin's a lot hotter to look at, if y'all ask me, which of course, y'all didn't.
  • Rebar inspector for that there new Marlin's baseball stadium: - my Spanish ain't so good and I ain't partial to wearin' no blindfolds none.
Truth is there just ain't much call for an NFL prognosticator, songwriter, philosophisor or BBQ taster in these parts. So I ended up havin' to compromise my artistic endeavors and set out on my own, takin' a job as a busker ... incognito, of course. Even my 'sweety deety' Jolene, what went to stay by her folks for a spell, was a wonderin' where I was at ... on account of our snooty neighbor, Wayne King, called her folks complainin' 'bout the smell of our outhouse.

- Not Me -
Now before y'all ask, no, I didn't do no panhandlin' 'Naked Cowboy' deal, especially as my britches ain't much to look at. But I did do me some acoustic chicken pickin' and sang me the blues some. Some threw some pennies and some threw some dimes. One woman threw me her bloomers, but I suspect from their contents, she was just done a usin' them. I doubt it was a commentary on my singin' voice none.

For a spell I even fancied myself a freight train hobo like Woody Guthrie. I went lookin' for the old FEC Princeton train station near West Dixie, before someone was kind enough to tell me they done moved it around some and then tore up them FEC tracks! He was kind enough to give me ride over to A.D. Barnes Park, but I didn't see too much happenin' there neither. Eventually, some Tom Fool Julio came over and asked me if I was a waitin' on 'the Ludlum Trail' or what. I done figured out the rest, myself. Thankfully, the CSX belt-line is a still runnin', though trust me, limestone ain't as comfortable as anything Amtrak has to offer.

- Not Me -
Anyway, buskin' surely was a humblin' experience. It was one what gave me some new stories to tell and some new ideas for songs to write. So, y'all hang onto your wig hats on account of there's gonna be some new Jugmonger's music comin' down the musical pipeline this year ... just as soon as I can get my harmonicas out of hock.

Ok, my goals for the New Year? Well, I reckon I'd like to get back to doin' some song writin' and performin' with my Hootenanny band. My musical output last year was sorrier than a two-dollar watch. But I did I find out that our band actually made us some money this past year over at CDBaby, so I do want to thank all y'all what bought our album! Thank you kindly and then some!

As for this here blog and writin', well I'm gonna keep it goin' for a spell. I reckon there'll be lots to talk 'bout what with it bein' a political year and whatnot. I also suspect I'll write some more 'bout football and especially them Fins and their hunt for a new coach and franchise quarterback. And, as I wrote above, I think I'm gonna share some stories with y'all about my adventures on the road from time to time.

By the way, some jokers are goin' off half-coked sayin' this year is a gonna be apocalyptic and whatnot. Pay them no mind. In fact, y'all can tell them folks bible thumpin' 'end time' chantin' yahoos that Judd Jugmonger (that there's me) says them ideas are just foolishness. They can 'tell it to Sweeney' til' the cows come home, for all I care ... I hope.

As for NFL prognosticatin', well, I think I'm gonna hang up that part of my life. That is unless CBS comes a courtin' on account of Bill Cowher comin' down from that high cotton he's a sittin' in just to coach them Dolphins. It was fun and I really liked doin' that there podcast way back when. But it was a lot of work and the truth is that if there ain't no cash at the end of the train tunnel, well then I reckon I need to put my talents and time to better use. Know what I mean? I think y'all do!

My friend and song writin' partner, Jay Schwartz, told me I ought to think 'bout  gettin' my 'business interests' in order and stop worryin' 'bout websites and SEO and stuff. "Judd, you have to just focus on the creative side and stop thinking about who's paying attention, or trying to get attention" he done told me. I think he makes a lot sense, especially on account of Google Adsense done blown him off, too!

Judd Jugmonger Was Here
Yes sir, folks, if y'all want to read some really good writin' I suggest y'all check out Jay's Wooly Yarn blog where he does his exfoliatin'. He's got him a goodly way with words, some of them I don't even understand myself, but then that never stopped me from readin' ... or writin'.

Ok, that's it for me. If I got anything interestin' to say 'bout anything, y'all can read it here, so take a gander every now and then. In the meantime, here's some words of wisdom to keep y'all til' next time: "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

Wishing y'all a Happy New Year and steady weather!
- Judd

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Judd Jugmonger's NFL Picks - 2011 - Week 3

Howdy Folks and Kin, 

It's week 3 of the NFL regular season, and I'm here at the Katywonkered Cafe' writin' up my picks for y'all to win y'all some dough so that y'all can do right by me. That's right! What comes around oughsta go around, too. Just like them them chickens and then eggs, or somethin'. Know what I mean? I think y'all do. Ok, so let's get'er done! Here is my picks:

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1) at Carolina Panthers (0-2) 

I tell y'all what there here is a cat fight! Them Jaguars are gonna start youngin' QB Blaine Garret who is a hopin' not go through what that there Panthers' youngin' QB Cam Newton is a goin' through. Cam is workin' harder than a peg leg in an ass-kickin' contest, but he's still endin' up with the short end of the stick in terms of winnin'. I prognosticate that this here be the week what he gets to beat up some on them kitties from Jacksonville. So go with them Panthers for their first week of the season, and watch the fur fly!

Detroit Lions (2-0) at Minnesota Vikings (0-2) 

Ok, this here is an easy game to call. Them Detroit kitties are on a roll, and I don't mean the dinner roll. But if they was to eat a dinner roll it would be like a Vikings and baloney sandwich. There ain't much good to say right now 'bout Vikings' QB Donovan NcNabb 'cept that he ain't playin' for the Miami Dolphins. I prognosticate that here will be another week what he gets to drive the short bus home from the stadium. So, growl with them Lions! 

San Francisco 49ers (1-1) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-1) 

Ok, this here is a hard game to pick on account of both teams got them some youngin' Qbs what are playin' well. I had to spin me my little pigskin some and it pointed to them Bengals, and I agree. Heck, y'all might as well give the edge to the home team this week. I tell y'all what though, I sure like that there Bengals QB Andy Dalton. He sure plays with lots of spirit. So I say growl with them Bengals!

Miami Dolphins (0-2) at Cleveland Browns (1-1) 

All right, it's a cryin' shame what my Miami Dolphins are 0 and 2 comin' into this here game. It's a bigger cryin' shame that this game almost qualifies for the stinker bowl! That's right! The pressure is on for Dolphin's QB Chadd Henne and youngin' RB Daniel Thomas to go all smash mouth against' them Browns. That there Thomas was a breath of fresh air last week in his 100-yard plus debut, especially after our defense left a sour smell on the field once again last week. Meanwhile, them Browns do got them a decent defense, and a youngin' QB Colt McCoy what got him a fancy name … but that's about it. So I say go with them Dolphins! Come on boys, if y'all don't bring home a victory this week it's gonna get ugly. How ugly? Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road!

New England Patriots (2-0) at Buffalo Bills (2-0) 

Ok, now we got us an interestin' game. Them Bills ar flyin' high after a 2 and 0 start! This week y'all are gonna see what happens when Patriots' QB Tom Brady tries to make road kill out of them Bills. I tell y'all what, call me crazy but I think this here is a gonna be an upset as I prognosticate that QB Ryan Fitzpatrick and them Bills tell Pats' coach Bill 'cheatin' Belichek' “Sorry, hoss! We don't need no your bull!” So go with them Bills!

New York Giants (1-1) at Philadelphia Eagles (1-1) 

Ok, last week Eagles QB Michael 'woof woof ' Vick ate him some dirt and took a trip to lala land. If he's ready and rarin' to go at game time, then this game in his hands. I just don't see them Giants doin' anything more than prayin' real hard that Vick stays on the sideline. So go with them Eagles! (woof woof).

Denver Broncos (1-1) at Tennessee Titans (1-1) 

Heck, y'all have to wonder what's goin' on with Broncos' RB Chris Johnson? Where is that boy at? 77 yards? What the heck is that? Them Titans' QB Matt Hasselbeck surely ain't no second comin' of Brett “geritol' Favre but he did manage to throw for 358 yards last week against them Ravens. On the other hand, Denver QB Kyle 'I ain't gonna play for them Dolphins' Orton did manage to pull out a win last week against them Bengals. All in all, I have to go with them big boys in this one. Until them Broncos can get their runnin' game goin' it's gonna be a hit and miss. If Orton drop the load this week, y'all are gonna hear shouts for Tim Tebow again! Go with them Titans!

Houston Texans (2-0) at New Orleans Saints (1-1) 

Houston coach Wade Phillips is on a roll with his new team so far. Looks like the road is a gonna get bumpy this week though. Saint's QB Drew 'call him the breeze' Brees at home? Shucks, this game is a no brainer! Go with them Saints!

New York Jets (2-0) at Oakland Raiders (1-1) 

Ok, I think there's lots of folks what are sayin' that them Raiders are a gonna win on account they dropped their games and their pants to them Bills last week. Only problem is their defense, especially against the run this year, are the ones still holdin' their bloomers drawers down around their ankles. I prognosticate that Jet's QB Mark 'smile pretty' Sanchez will get the deed done this week, without too much effort. Go with them Jets, folks!

Baltimore Ravens (1-1) at St. Louis Rams (0-2) 

It seems to me them Rams are lookin' worse than a hound what puked and ate it. Ravens' QB Joe Flacco the wacko is gonna give them a 2nd helpin' this week. Fly with them Ravens, on account of them Rams just suck, and that there is all there is to say 'bout that!

Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) at San Diego Chargers (1-1) 

Warning! Losers ahead! That's right it's time for this week's editions of the wind breakin' Stinker Bowl! When you are sad and lonely and gots no place to go, go and get your clothes pins and stick them on your nose! Cause it's the Stinker Bowl! And this week, wavin' their banners low is them Chiefs and them Chargers. Here's all y'all need to know folks: San Diego QB Phil Rivers: 4 touchdowns, 4 interceptions and 713 yards. Chiefs QB Mat Cassel got him 1 touchdown, 4 interceptions and 252 yards. For them Chiefs it gets uglier too on account of they had to out down Pro Bowl RB Jamaal Charles. Folks, that's all she wrote in this stinker. It don't take a rocket scientist to know y'all need to go with them Chargers!

Atlanta Falcons (1-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1) 

Folks, I tell y'all what, I'm havin' a hard time pickin' this here game on account of I don't see too much difference between these two teams. Them Buccaneers are a sentimental favorite of mine, especially on account of them sexy cheerleaders what they all got over there what make me feel all randy and whatnot. On paper though I reckon them Atlanta birdies are a better team. Still, I'm gonna go with them Buccaneers since they're playin' at home and all. So I prognosticate some yo-ho-ho for them Buccaneers!

Arizona Cardinals (1-1) at Seahawks (0-2) 

Folks, I tell y'all what, this here game is like the next best thing to the Stinker Bowl. In fact, I'd say that if it weren't for Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb, this game would be the Stinker Bowl of the week. I reckon he'll give us somethin' to watch for at least half the game and hopefuly he'll do enough to overcome his defense what is lookin' sorrier than a horse steppn' into the glue factory. As for them Seahawks, the only thign they got goin' for them is that them Cardinal's defense is one can short of six pack. So I say fly with them Cardinals in this stinker!

Green Bay Packers (2-0) at Chicago Bears (1-1) 

Ok, it's blow out time, folks! Don't confuse Packers QB Aaron Rodgers for Bears QB Jay 'six sacks' Cutler. Neither team has shown much a runnin' game, so this game will come down to the better arm what Rodgers got. So go with them Packers what will send them bear-cubs packin', and cryin' for their mommas.

Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1) at Indianapolis Colts (0-2) 

Heck, it looks like them Colts is the team what everyone is lookin' to beat up on on account of QB Peyton Manning is still feelin' poorly, and them Steelers are no different. Steelers' QB Ben Roethlisberger is gonna put on a good show and is a gonna end up happier than a fat tick on skinny dog … or horse in this case. Go with them Steelers!

Washington Redskins (2-0) at Dallas Cowboys (1-1) 

Ok, it's Monday night football and it's cowboys and indians. Folks, this here is gonna be a good game! We got us Dallas QB Tony Romo and Washington QB Rex Grossman. Now Tony Romo might be feelin' poorly, and if them Redskins' offensive line can protect Grossman from 'sack king' DeMarcus Ware then they got them a chance of pullin' this one out. So I tell y'all what, I'm gonna give the edge to them Redskins, but only if Tony Romo ain't playin' with busted ribs.

Ok folks, that's it's fer me folks. Them is my picks! Now, I tell you what, October is just around the bed. Y'all know what that means? It means it's time to start puttin' some presents and whatnot on 'layaway' for them holidays. That's right! So it's time to dig deep into all those winnings y'all are gonna get from them picks what I just gave y'all, and do right by me! And don't forget, tell all your friends and kin that Judd Jugmonger says to do the same! Heck at least y'all can pick up one of our 'Jugmongers Candy Corn T-Shirts'. The come in lots of colors and will surely make an impression at any Halloween Hootenanny, y'all are fixin' to go to. 

All right, so this here os Judd Jugmonger signin' off from the Katywonkered Cafe' with some words a wisdom: Folks, It ain't never no sin to get BBQ sauce on your chin!

Hey! Here's Some Kindle Reading For Y'all!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Judd Jugmonger's NFL Picks - 2011 - Week 2

Howdy Folks and Kin,

I got me my prognostications for week 2 of them NFL games. That means I got all the picks what y'all will need to win y'all some baby back ribs, and to send me some, too! This week some teams are winners and some are losers. For all y'all losers I got some good news: this week for a limited time only (that's what they say over at the Piggly Wiggly) y'all have the chance to even it up! Some of them teams will take that chance, and others, well they just is a gonna end smellin' like ... what Ron Jaworski said last week.

Ok, so here we go with my picks!

Seattle Seahawks (0-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

Ok first up we got us a pair of losers. I reckon that them Steelers QB Big Ben Roethlisberger is gonna bounce back big time, while them grungy seagulls are still tryin' to fnd their special teams and offense after them 49ers did a number on them last week. I hope them Seahawks keep them feathers numbers for just such occasions. So I say go with them Steelers!

Oakland Raiders (1-0) at Buffalo Bills (1-0)

All right, now we got us them two winners. Now normally I wouldn't say too much 'bout these teams, especially them Bills. Them Bills' QB Ryan Fitzpatrick was hotter than a two dollar pistol last week. If his front line can hold up against them Raiderin' one eyes, well then them Bills have a good chance at winnin' two in a row, and they is at home! So I say go with them Bills, for this week at least.

Arizona Cardinals (1-0) at Washington Redskins (1-0)

Ok, now we got us some winners. Looks like them red birds need to take a lesson from them Seahawks and keep their feathers numbered too, on account of they are gonna get their feathers more than ruffled by Washington QB Rex Grossman. He's gonna try to do his best Cam Newton impression this week. Go with them Redskins!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) at Minnesota Vikings (0-1)

All right we got us some losers and I tell y'all what, this game could be uglier than a shaved poodle wearin' a zoot suit. Vikings' QB Donovan '39-yards' McNab is sort of playin' like a stuck hog. I'd like to think this was a one-off cow pie he stepped in ... but I think he's gonna get his other foot in the mess this week, too. So I say there's gonna be some yo ho ho this week in Tampa Bay, Go with them Buccaneers!

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0) at New York Jets (1-0)

Ok, now we got us some winners, at least until Sunday. Them metal birdies sure got lucky last week, and most folks know it. This week they and QB Mark 'smile pretty' Sanchez is a gonna want to take things on their on their own terms to show the world what they is really made of. Can you spell defense? Them Jacksonville kitties are gonna go runnin' for the litter box. Fly with them Jets!

Chicago Bears (1-0) at New Orleans Saints (0-1)

Ok this here is a gonna be a good game. it's Bears' QB Jay Cutler vs. Saints' QB Drew 'call him the Breeze' Brees. As far as I know, it don't take no rocket scientist to know which way the pigskin is gonna roll on this one. Looks like last week's losers are this wee'sk winners, and vice versa. Sorry Bears. Time to pray with them Saints!

Green Bay Packers (1-0) at Carolina Panthers (0-1)

All right now we got another good game here, with more winners and losers! Panthers' youngin' QB Cam Newton vs. Packers' QB Aaron Rodgers. Yes, there's a gonna be an air war. What I ain't so sure about is them Carolina kitties' defense. So I say, 'nothin' can be finer than to be in a Carolina' ... 'cept for them Panthers and their fans. Go with them Packers!

Baltimore Ravens (1-0) at Tennessee Titans (0-1)

Ok last week them Ravens picked all the meat off them Steelers' bones. This week it's easy pickings, too. Them Tennessee big boys are gonna lie down for them birdies. Ravens' QB Joe Flacco gets to go wacko all he wants and will hand the keys over to this weeks' short bus driver Titans QB Matt Hasselbeck. Folks, fly with them Ravens.

Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) at Detroit Lions (1-0)

Ok, last week them Chiefs got caught with their pants down. This week they go on over yonder to Detroit whats offense is all revved up. I sure hope them Indians don't forget to bring their defense. I reckon that Lions' QB Matt Stafford is gonna gonna be hotter than a goat's butt on a pepper patch, and don't forget DT Ndamukong Suh! So I say roar with them Lions!

Cleveland Browns (0-1) at Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

Warning! Losers ahead! Time for the wind breakin' Stinker Bowl of the week! That's right folks, when you are sad and lonely and gots no place to go, go and get your clothes pins and stick them on your nose! Cause it's the Stinker Bowl! And this week, wavin' their banners low is them Browns and them Colts. What's that you say? Them Colts? That's right. Peyton Manning still got him a pain in the neck, so that's that. Them Browns don't got much of a runnin' game and youngin' QB Colt McCoy ain't done enough to make up for it. Folks, I had to spin me my little pigskin for this game and it pointed to them Browns, what hopefully won't get flushed this week. Ok, so go with them Browns in this sinfully ugly game.

Dallas Cowboys (0-1) at San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

Ok, last week them Cowgirls were so ugly they could've knocked a mess of flies off a wagon of whatnot (translation: what Ron Jaworski said last week). Know what I mean, I think y'all do! Most folks are hopin' that QB Tony Romo will get busy this week and show 49ers' QB Alex Smith how to get'er done. Hey Dolfans! Remember Ted Ginn? Look what that youngin' did last week! 268 combined return yards and two touchdowns. Lord, I'm sure he did his family proud. All I got to say is what Ron Jaworski said last week. Anyway I should go with them Cowboys and Tony Romo but I got a feelin' that this week is a gonna be a repeat of last week. So I say go with the 49ers!

Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) at Denver Broncos (0-1)

All right. This week we got us six of one and half a dozen of the other. I can't tell the difference between these two teams. If them Broncos turn over the ball like they did last week, it's gonna be a long day. All them Dolfans what were callin' for a trade for QB Kyle Orton are lookin' like they is one can short of a six-pack. Meanwhile them Bengals came from behind last week and took home the Pabst Blue Ribbon. This week QB Andy Dalton is lookin' to return from his ills. I think he's gonna given them a 2nd win, even if it kills him. So go with them Bengals!

San Diego Chargers (1-0) at New England Patriots (1-0)

Ok, now we got us some winners and an air war. Pats QB Tom Brady vs. Chargers' QB Phil Rivers. Folk's if y'all like to see a good runnin' and rushin' game ... this ain't the one, unless cheatin' Bill Belicheck pulls a fast one. At the end of the day only one of them QBs is gonna end up playin' catch up. The team with the most errors loses. I say go with them Patriots in what most folks think is the game of the week!

Houston Texans (1-0) at Miami Dolphins (0-1)

Ok Dolfans, here we go. All I had to say 'bout last week's loss to them Pats I done said in my last post. So this week hope springs anew ... I hope! If our secondary get them a mess of cramps again, I'm gonna pitch me a fit! This here is a must-win game for us. The good news is our top draft pick, RB Daniel Thomas, will play this week, so finally get to see what RB Reggie Bush and him look like in the backfield together. The bad news is that Chargers' RB Arian Foster will be back too this week, and if our defense don't show up again, we're gonna be tuna meat. This one's a nail biter folks! I'm lookin' for QB Chad Henne to step up and show us his performance last week was no fluke. Folks, as much as most folks think I'm wrong, I'm still gonna go with my Fins! Swim with them Dolphins!

Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) at Atlanta Falcons (0-1)

All right, now we got us a bird fight. Eagles QB Michael (woof woof) Vick vs. Falcons QB Matt Ryan. Nothin' to see here folks, just move a long and watch Vick's game highlights on Monday morning. I prognosticate that Vick will go down to his old home and make them Falcons eat crow. Lots of emotion in this game folks, so get ready for the tears. Go with them Eagles!

St. Louis Rams (0-1) at New York Giants (0-1)

Ok, we wrap on Monday night with some losers. Both teams are feelin' poorly after their losses last week. Both teams are lookin' like zombies hankerin' for a hospital bed. Rams QB Sam Bradford has got a chance to make the difference, but I prognosticate that Giants' QB Eli Manning will do the same. This here is another game I had to spin me my little pigskin, and it pointed to them Rams, and I agree. I think them Giants' defense is just too banged up to put up much of a fight. So go with them Rams!

Ok, that's it's fer me folks. Them is my picks! Now, I tell you all what, as far as I can tell none of y'all sent me any money last week from all y'alls winnings. How in the heck am I supposed to stay on that there South Beach Diet if I ain't got no money to eat all that protein like ribs and chicken? This week, y'all can do the right thing and keep me healthy! So don't forget me, especially after I just gave y'all them winnin' picks.  Oh, and tell all your friends and kin that Judd Jugmonger says to do the same!

Ok. so this here is a starvin' Judd Jugmonger signin' off from the Katywonkered Cafe' with some words a wisdom: A rose always comes up smellin' like a rose ... unless it fell into a pile of ... what Ron Jaworski said.

Kindle Football Reading For All Y'all!